You Thought Wrong
by tkelparis
Summary: The TARDIS mysteriously dumps Eleven, Amy, and Rory near Chiswick. Worried about running into Donna, Eleven instead runs into someone he thought he'd never see again... and who's furious with him. A songfic series inspired by Kelly Clarkson songs.
1. Low

Title: YOU THOUGHT WRONG

Rating: T for angst, a character death, and serious Doctor-whump.

Summary: The TARDIS mysteriously dumps 11, Amy, and Rory near Chiswick. Worried about running into Donna, 11 instead runs into someone he thought he'd never see again... and who's furious with him.

Disclaimer: If I owned them, would I have ever felt compelled to write this? Yeah, I didn't think so, either.

Author's Note: Almost all songs referenced are sung by Kelly Clarkson, although there might be one additional one by someone else. Each one seemed appropriate given the tone and topic of each chapter. Title is from another Kelly Clarkson song, although the lyrics weren't right for this story.

Might want tissues while reading this...

This revived fic is dedicated to tardis-mole, with extra Eleven-whumpage as an homage. If you love Eleven, blame this fic on her. My frustration is with RTD and the other writers responsible for the situation that I'm sort-of fixing here, but I'm afraid Eleven has to take the punishment for it. Apologies to Matt Smith, but I have far too much affection for the characters that David Tennant and Catherine Tate played to perfection.

* * *

><p>PART 1: LOW<p>

"What's wrong with her?" Amy's scream bounced off the walls as the TARDIS seemed to be trying to shake them all like rag dolls. None of the journeys had ever been this violent.

The Doctor would have answered, but he was trying to use the Sonic to regain control of his ship. Of course, the Old Girl was having none of that; she created more turbulence inside the walls every time he even reached for the Screwdriver.

Rory, barely hanging on to one of the rails, blurted, "Whatever she's up to, it can't be pleasant."

"Certainly not for me," the Doctor managed, remembering the last time his ship had taken control like this. He'd gained and then lost a child.

What now? What task did his ship think he had to do that he wasn't going to like in the slightest?

Finally, the ship slammed the landing, shaking her occupants from whatever they were holding on to. The Doctor finally understood what humans meant when they said they saw stars after an injury; how else could one describe the fuzzy vision?

"Ugh!" Amy pulled herself upright, noting that – for all the bumps – everything looked in place. "Where are we?"

The Doctor got up quickly, and checked the readings. And gasped. "No! We can't be here!" Then he acted like someone had just yelled at him, saying something completely unexpected.

Amy swallowed. This couldn't be good, if he looked terrified. "What is it?"

"We..." He ran a hand through his hair absently, something he hadn't done in a while. "We're in Chiswick... A place I've been avoiding."

Rory, now upright himself and checking on Amy, raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

He didn't want to explain one of the most painful moments in his life. "And now my ship says she won't move until events have played themselves out. That there's someone I need to help so those events can happen." To keep from talking about it, he sighed and made for the door. "Guess we'd better get this over with..."

His companions had to rush to keep up. They emerged to an overcast sky, and rather cool air. He breathed a rush of relief at the sights. "Good. We're not right nearby. That should prevent any accidental meetings..."

Amy rolled her eyes. Sometimes her raggedy Doctor wouldn't bother to explain himself. It was so annoying.

Rory, sensing that his wife was about to give their friend a piece of her mind, looked around. Within seconds, he noticed a crumpled figure on the ground a distance away. "I'm going to need help," he said, rushing off to give first aid.

The Doctor and Amy froze for a moment, and then heard Rory call out that the person's pulse was weak, and breathing ragged. Unable to not help, the Doctor suggesting bringing them to the TARDIS for a quick check in the med bay. So he rushed over to help with the carrying, and arrived as Rory turned the blue-suited person onto their back...

And the Doctor froze solid as he saw the face. It can't be, he thought, it just can't be! But every instinct told him it _was_ his double – who was supposed to be in that parallel universe with Rose!

* * *

><p>He'd been given fluids and medicine, both of which he'd badly needed. The scans said his brain was deteriorating, his cells everywhere dying. The Doctor estimated he had less than a day left to live. What had happened to him...? And – and this question was vital to the fabric of time and space – how <em>could<em> he be here?

The Doctor found an unusual Vortex Manipulator on his Double's left wrist. One that he couldn't get off with his fingers. He reached for the Sonic, but the TARDIS made horrible screeching noises in his head, or created other problems for him to deal with. Clearly the Old Girl had no intention of letting the Double lose what had probably allowed him to cross over. However it had worked...

Worst of all, he'd had to speak about Donna and that awful day he had to lose her. And to add insult to injury, neither Amy nor Rory agreed with his decision. She in particular berated him for disregarding someone's wish, and leaving "the most important woman in all of Creation" for last. It stung even more to hear Rory say that, "Clearly, if he's here, I'd say that it didn't work out with Rose. So all you did was just break her heart again."

"Truer words were never spoken." All three jumped at the voice. They watched as the man who wore the Doctor's last face slowly sat up. He'd grabbed the tea cup left nearby and swallowed the hot contents whole. "We'll see how far this gets me," he murmured.

The Doctor had enough. He had to know, "How the hell did you cross over? The openings between here and that parallel world are sealed!"

The Double glared, his voice completely tense. "All I know is that I sensed an opening between them, and I had to take it. I'd been waiting with a Vortex Manipulator I'd tweaked, searching for an escape. I couldn't stand to be around someone who considered me a poor copy of the man she wanted. Especially when I started losing my Time sense – and that was only the beginning."

The other three were stunned into silence. The man climbed off the bed – carefully, as if he wasn't sure of his abilities after the turn he'd had – and slowly advanced on the Doctor. On his progenitor. "Tell me, why did you leave Donna for last? She'd done so much more than any of the others put together, and you didn't focus on saving her? I could've handled getting everyone else home."

"Well, then what about Rose? She didn't let us leave until you distracted her."

"Because I let myself be persuaded that it was the right thing to do. That my own feelings for her were greater than they were." His eyes flashed dangerously, and his voice became lethal. "That I could live without Donna."

_Everybody's talking  
>But they don't say a thing<br>They look at me with sad eyes  
>But I don't want the sympathy<em>

He continued, anger growing. "As I slowly started dying, moments after we left Bad Wolf Bay, Jackie and Pete realized that maybe I shouldn't be with them. That perhaps I needed Donna in general, because I was floundering trying to live a domestic life with just her memories to guide me."

The "d" word stopped the Doctor in his tracks. It hit every nerve he'd ever had toward the thought, but also planted the first seeds of doubt. Hadn't his daily life with Donna turned rather that way...?

"Imagine," he continued, poking the Doctor with a finger, in a manner rather like Donna would've, "living every day with Rose's parents looking sadly at you because they knew you weren't for her – that your progenitor was never for her, either – and knowing you're stuck with a girl who – despite all her opportunities – _hadn't_ grown up. I couldn't _stand_ the sympathy. Donna couldn't have, either."

Which, the Doctor realized, meant that every time she realized she'd missed something or was trying to remember, Donna would see the looks and get horrendously frustrated. And wonder what was wrong with her. Worry about what it meant...

More seeds of doubt planted, and a grim picture was forming in his head.

"So," drawled the Double, still forcing the Doctor back into the Console Room with each step, "I had a lot of time to think about why things weren't working on my end. Even more when Rose started voicing every difference between me and you. I told her that you don't compare boyfriends – Donna's memories didn't have to tell me that – but it was like she couldn't help it. I had to get my own place within months."

_It's cool you didn't want me_

_Sometimes you can't go back_

_But why'd you have to go and make a mess like that_

"Now..." His voice took on a dark note that the Doctor didn't use unless the Oncoming Storm was brewing. And the Doctor, in light of everything else he'd been told, was getting worried. "I _know_ why my feelings for Rose weren't strong. If anything, I felt like I owed her. Which I know came entirely from you. _You_ were falling for Donna, which brings up one other question: Did you send me away because you had the mistaken belief that you owed Rose, that she and I were supposed to be together, or because you just couldn't stand the competition for Donna's attention?"

The Doctor's hackles raised. "Now, wait just a minute-"

"It's one thing to not want me around," the Double snapped, sounding _much_ more like his Ninth self than his Tenth. "But just when did you realized that she was dying? _After_ you left us at that damned Bay? Did it even occur to you that the two halves of the Meta-Crisis needed each other to survive?"

The Doctor's respiratory bypass kicked in; the truth of that hadn't dawned on him. He was too busy being filled with... guilt... toward Rose. Oh, Rassilon, that's what it was... His hearts had put her in the past, and he wasn't expecting that. He'd known it on some level then, but the rest hadn't even occurred to him...

He scowled, in grim triumph. "You didn't. Didn't even think about the consequences or what kind of a mess you'd leave! Did it occur to you what might happen to her once you regenerated?"

Any and Rory were getting more alarmed by the second; never had the raggedy Doctor seemed so stricken. It was like he'd never been confronted with every mistake he'd made as his last self. Amy had to try to defuse the situation. "What do you call yourself?"

He spared her a glance, and the flicker of pain that crossed his face was unmistakable. "John Noble, after both the name he tended to go by, and after Donna." Then he looked back to the Doctor. "_Another_ ginger? Think the universe isn't about to let you forget her?"

"I couldn't forget her if I tried!" The words came out before he could stop them.

_Well I just have to say  
>Before I let go<em>

The Doctor never saw the punch coming. Just like he'd never seen the first of Donna's slaps coming. Except this time, he landed on his back, with a broken nose.

"Eh, so I kept some of that Gallifreyan strength, even while dying." John filed that away for reference. "So now you know a bit of how I've been feeling. So why did you condemn Donna to a miserable life? One I just _know_ she _begged_ you not to send her back to!"

_Have you ever been low?  
>Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?<br>When the truth came out  
>Were you the last to know?<br>Were you left out in the cold?  
>What you did was low<em>

The Doctor tried shaking himself out of the stupor, but his double packed a wallop. Then he noticed what was in the other's hands. "Wait, how can you have two Sonic Screwdrivers?"

John grinned, although it looked rather sinister given how pale he was. "One I made. You must recognize the other."

_No I don't need your number  
>There's nothing left to say<br>Except I never thought it'd hurt this much to be saved_

The Doctor realized that the man had also nicked his own Sonic. "Oi, wait a minute!"

"You aren't going to need it for a little bit," John informed him imperiously, again sounding more like Donna. "You're going to not even stop me from walking out and saving Donna from the fate you handed her – the woman you loved! The woman _I_ love!"

The Doctor felt panic rising. "But she got married! She's happy!"

John just looked at him like he was supremely daft. "Or did she just settle? Because she was sick of waiting?"

_I walk out of this darkness  
>With no sense of regret<br>And I go with a clear conscience  
>We both know that you can't say that<em>

Prickles of something the Doctor couldn't identify flooded his mind and hearts. Still, he had to try to defend himself, even as his conscience was feeling weighed down. "You could ruin what she's built-"

"Well, I say she should have all of the facts. I don't care if I die, but I will see to it that she isn't in danger from not knowing enough to properly defend herself. That she isn't going to die from this. Which is more than you did with that defense mechanism that TARDIS just explained to me. Oh, yes," he added as the trio looked startled, "the Old Girl filled me in on a lot while I was resting. More than enough to know that she's been hurting since you dumped Donna back on Earth. What you should be worried about is how Donna will react the next time she sees you, and believe me: she will."

_Have you ever been low?  
>Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?<br>When the truth came out  
>Were you the last to know?<br>Were you left out in the cold?  
>What you did was low<em>

John started exiting, and the Doctor had to throw out one comment. "And you've seen how this'll work? Winging it was how I lost her!"

The response was a pause once he opened the doors, and a harsh glare over the shoulder. "Who made you Time Lord Victorious?'

It silenced the Doctor completely. It was a time he hated to think about, a time when he was at his absolute worst. When he most exhibited the very traits of his people that he preferred to not think about...

"The Old Girl told me about that, too," John said, rather quietly – but it didn't detract from the deadly tone. If anything, it heightened it. "Would you have done it if Donna had been there?"

The continued silence was all the answer he needed, so he just nodded to the others. "Sorry we can't chat, but I've got my best friend to save. Because she was always that, no matter what he did." And he closed the doors behind him, hurrying as fast as he could.

_Have you ever been low?  
>Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?<br>_

The Doctor was painfully aware of every second it took his body to heal, of being unable to move from the floor without Any and Rory's help to the Jump Seat. No mistake of his had ever hurt this much. Never had his evident inability to look at the "smaller" consequences of his actions proved so devastating to others... or himself.

_Cuz what you did was low_

He finally grasped how wrong he'd been that day. How much he'd wronged Rose, John _and_ Donna, and how much it cost him... He could only pray that John Noble would be able to make things right; it seemed he was crap at figuring out what was best for the most amazing companion of all...


	2. Because of You

**Author's Note**: See Part One for the disclaimer and such. No Eleven here, but this is a seriously angsty part. Have tissues handy...

Here is part of my feelings about why the mind-lock and separating Donna and Handy (John) was a mistake. Not just for the Doctor... but more for them...

* * *

><p>PART 2: BECAUSE OF YOU<p>

Donna Temple-Noble sat thinking as Shaun drove them to her Mum's. She'd thought when she won the lottery after her marriage that she'd finally have what she needed to make something of herself. That the money would enable her to be more than a temp – at long last! And that she could move on from that memory loss and apparently missing all the "alien" things happening around her.

But no... Money, she'd discovered, doesn't solve all of your problems. Especially if they're inside _you_...

It all started as they arrived at their flat after the wedding. She'd suspected that she might be pregnant, but then she was suddenly violently ill. A visit to Casualty had done nothing... Except send them to a private doctor when Shaun and her parents thought it would take too long to get the results from NHS, and run up some bills that they were mercifully able to pay off almost immediately thanks to the lottery. And she _hadn't_ been pregnant. The worst faded while they were leaving Casualty, and all she'd been left with was a strange case of fatigue that she hadn't been able to shake since.

It'd now been a few years. She'd seen some strange things... including people claiming that no one was dying. Oh, had her Mum and Gramps been panicking over that... Trying to keep her from going out, and being overprotective. Shaun had helped, which had driven her crazy. Except she'd been too weak to protest much.

The weird thing was... Her condition stayed exactly the same during the period of what was called "Miracle Day." And only resumed its slow deterioration once people apparently started dying again.

It once again made her wonder what happened to her during those years she couldn't remember. And why her family was so insistent that she not think about it much...

But telling Donna Noble to not do something was asking her to do it. And she started to wonder why it felt like someone in particular was missing from her life...

_I will not make  
>The same mistakes that you did<em>

It was like she just knew that there was supposed to be someone – or maybe more than one someone – in her life, and their absence was why she felt so empty. An emptiness that Shaun hadn't dispelled...

And the worst part...? She'd known on some level, way back when she was deciding whether to accept him, that she'd just be making do...

She feared that she'd waited too long to try to have children, and she _badly_ wanted to know the pain and joy of carrying a child of her own. That, she now felt, was what drove her to accept Shaun's proposal. After all, Shaun loved her and wanted – if possible – a family. And he wasn't scared by her missing a few years of memories. Given how sad she was, how much she still wanted a family of her own to love... it had seemed very tempting...

She'd thought it was learning from her mistakes, but it now seemed like she'd just caused more misery. And this time, it wasn't just for her...

_I will not let myself  
>Cause my heart so much misery<em>

It seemed like those years she was missing... They would've solved everything... It was like she was missing the best parts of herself, and she had no clue what they'd done for her!

She'd tried quietly figuring out what had happened, but there was nothing to go by. No accident reports that could explain how she could be sleeping in her bed during an alleged invasion by pepper pots and be seemingly unharmed. No clear indication of how Lance died... or what happened exactly to H.C. Clemments and his company...

And it seemed that her family was intent on hindering her efforts. Like she could have a break-down at any moment if she tried too hard...

_I will not break  
>The way you did, you fell so hard<em>

Soon, her fatigue grew, slowing draining her body of life... And Donna thought she had to give up on finding the answers.

Which caused a cloud to settle over her mind, pulling her into a downward spiral... Thinking was starting to hurt, to create headaches... And so she had to stop her quest for the truth...

_I've learned the hard way  
>To never let it get that fa<em>r

To not make her Gramps, or any of her family worry, she tried to let go. To cope with this strange illness that her family doctor couldn't make heads nor tails of. She tried sticking close to the accepted form... The one that her mother followed. It wasn't like what she'd been doing was working great...

_Because of you  
>I never stray too far from the sidewalk<em>

She tried keeping things safe. Thought it would minimize the hurt.

Donna had soon discovered that playing it safe didn't work so well if you didn't understand why you were doing it. Or if you sensed that you craved some form of excitement that was completely out of reach. Even to your mind...

_Because of you  
>I learned to play on the safe side<br>So I don't get hurt_

And, she slowly discovered, when everybody's trying to keep you from something (including the teas that you couldn't explain why you wanted to drink them!), it erodes your trust in them. And this was her family! The people she was supposed to be able to trust – no matter how they had treated her!

So why the bloody hell were they acting this way? Did someone put them up to this? It made her feel like she couldn't ever trust herself again...

_Because of you  
>I find it hard to trust<br>Not only me, but everyone around me  
>Because of you, I am afraid<em>

Watching as the streets she remembered passed, Donna kept silent as Shaun talked about the most recent visits for answers. This labyrinthine journey was making her feel more lost than ever, and it hurt every time it seemed like someone pointed out how much she was drifting... That it was like she'd lost her spark...

_I lose my way  
>And it's not too long before you point it out<em>

If I had the energy to cry, she thought as Shaun stopped for a light, I'd have to hide them... It'd just hurt everyone around me now...

_I cannot cry  
>Because I know that's weakness in your eyes<em>

It drain her further to fake her reactions. She was glad she didn't see so much of her Mum and Gramps. They would never be convinced if they were around for her forced smiles and laughs for long... and surely become even worse...

_I'm forced to fake  
>A smile, a laugh, every day of my life<em>

Now... It was all leading her to one conclusion. That whatever had happened had broken her heart into so many pieces that she had no idea how to put it back together.

Shaun was... the window dressing that concealed the destruction... Until she couldn't help but look more closely at her wishes and life.

And nothing felt right anymore. Her world was wrong...

_My heart can't possibly break  
>When it wasn't even whole to start with<em>

So she started thinking about it again, but very quietly. She might not have flashes, but she sensed a few things. Like they were bleeding through whatever damage had happened to cause the memory loss.

Who was this person – a man, she was somehow positive of that one detail – who had needed her so much? But, and this was the rub... was he somehow responsible for her memory loss? Could he not bear to be around for the guilt?

God, she hoped that was the reason. Everything else was awful to contemplate...

And somehow... she knew that at the moment she was most ill... he'd needed her. More than ever. If she'd said no to Shaun, she wondered for what felt like the millionth time, could I have been there to help him...? Or was he the kind that couldn't see through his own hurts...?

_You never thought of anyone else  
>You just saw your pain<em>

Shaun, bless him, had tried to keep her healthy despite her growing tiredness. But she was losing weight, and it was becoming beyond what even her wildest thoughts had deemed good. She just had no desire to eat anymore...

"We're here," he said. Drawing her attention to the fact that they were parked already.

God, she was losing track of so many things... Playing it safe was virtually making her forgetful...

_Because of you  
>I never stray too far from the sidewalk<em>

Dona had to wait for Shaun to help her out. She was dependent on him and her family for so many things... It was probably for the best that she didn't share her thoughts anymore... That she was even shutting Shaun out... It was now to keep _them_ from getting hurt...

_Because of you  
>I learned to play on the safe side<br>So I don't get hurt_

She'd done her best to let go of that time that had her family so scared. But it wasn't letting her go. She just knew that it was why she was dying.

Yes, she just knew it, even though not one medical person had said it. Donna could feel her body betraying her bit by bit, and knew that she'd allowed herself to forget a lot of things when she accepted Shaun. She knew her self-respect hadn't been the best before, but she wondered if Lance had done a further number on it before he vanished...

_Because of you  
>I tried my hardest just to forget everything<em>

Shaun's heart was going to break, she thought as he helped her out, when I die. I could've saved him from this if I hadn't let him so far into my life...

But then she froze as she realized that she really hadn't let him in. She'd always kept him at arm's length. Like I always knew that he wasn't the right one...

That I'd forgotten so much about my ability to trust... To be my best...

_Because of you  
><em>_I don't know how to let anyone else in_

Donna was so sick of feeling sick... of knowing she was nothing but a burden to her family... of seeing the rest of her dream evaporate... Especially now that another physician reported that she and Shaun didn't seem to be compatible to have children... That, based on tests from blood samples from before her illness but after her memory loss, it had always been the case...

She wished she'd known... Because that might've convinced her to keep with her instincts... It was too late to adopt; she knew that she didn't have much time left. It wouldn't be fair to a child for her to die so soon after starting the adoption process. It might not go through after her death...

Although Shaun held her close, supporting her body, Donna had never felt more distant from him. It wasn't fair to any of them... She had to end things, but there was no point in a divorce. She'd just give up and leave her family all of the money...

She didn't know why, but potassium cyanide seemed like an appealing choice for closing things off... What was the point in living when she felt so completely empty inside...? So worthless...?

_Because of you  
>I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty<br>Because of you, I am afraid_

Then a van rushed up next to their car, much too fast for a delivery or a reckless teen. Instincts that had been long dead suddenly flared in Donna's body, screaming at her to run – run like bloody hell!

But she was too weak to make her legs work like that. Not even as two men came out the sliding side and rushed them. Shaun stepped in their way, and threw a connecting punch at one of them as he grabbed Donna. "Help," she screamed, "help!

Then... a twist on her nightmare... The other pulled out a strange gun... and shot Shaun in the chest. If it weren't for the wound that suddenly appeared, and how Shaun staggered, no one would've known what happened; it was frighteningly quiet...

He fell back in shock, and Donna was dragged to the van. She screamed his name, but the van's door cut her off and then it was off with a cloud of slightly burnt rubber...

Shaun trembled, feeling his life fading out him. "Donna..." But then he heard someone running... running up to him, and then something buzzed in a strange way...

John Noble witnessed the event, but had been too far away to stop things. Adrenaline had given him a boost of energy, the fear for Donna's life and what those aliens (his senses were tingling again after getting those fluids from the Old Girl's stocks) wanted with Donna. The amount of blood emerging from the wound, however, told him the same thing his Screwdriver was: that nothing could be done...

Shaun looked into the eyes of the person trying to help him. "Don't," he choked, barely managing to shake his head. "Save Donna..."

John felt tears building in his eyes. "I will," he whispered, conviction pouring through every syllable as he tried to silently convey an apology. And I'll die for her if I have to...

And then Shaun found a smile. There was only one person who'd act that way, who'd have that much reason to find Donna. The only person in the universe who would owe her everything... "I know you will... Doctor." And his eyes closed...

_Because of you_

John Noble could have cried openly as Shaun Temple died under his hands. Another life lost... because of the Doctor's mistakes... arrogance... His mistaken belief that he knew what was best for his companions – without consulting them first!

Fury grew as he stood and used the Sonics to scan after that van, using one to boost a signal from his Manipulator. "Come on, Baby Old Girl," he murmured, "trace her!" And it didn't take long; the idiots apparently had no clue that there was a trace of the Doctor's sonic changes to Donna's cell phone – detectable even while turned off and disabled! – despite undoing his earlier work and which was still on her person. "Yes! I can intercept them before they get to wherever they're taking her!"

As he adjusted the Manipulator to take him to the spot where the TARDIS and its little baby (tucked inside the Manipulator as its power source) said would be the best place to ambush the kidnappers, he heard two familiar voices call out from the house as a door opened, "Doctor!"

He felt his insides sicken over the name. But all he said as he met their eyes in apology was a shouted, "I promise I'll save Donna, Sylvia and Wilf! I swear she'll come home safe!" And he flashed out of their sight...

_Because of you_

Donna's remaining family stared in shock as neighbors poured out to help. Sylvia wanted to blame him, but she saw the stricken look in the alien's eyes. It looked like he was doing what she and her father had been doing: self-blaming... And she saw the naked determination, conviction in his body language. Failure was not an option for him... and then she knew that her daughter would come home...

Wilf cried... And shouted in his mind: Oh, my God... Please bring her home, Doctor! Please...!

And he felt extra sickened by the realization that the alien said nothing about _himself_ making it out alive... Was the Doctor still suicidal...?


	3. If No One Will Listen

PART 3: IF NO ONE WILL LISTEN

Author's Note: First song was from John's perspective. Second was Donna's. This one is about both of them.

* * *

><p>John appeared in a field next to a road, and needed to catch his breath. Part Time Lord he was, his body was still very weak, and traveling via a Vortex Manipulator was always a rough means of transportation even for Gallifreyans. Even with the little stolen piece of the Old Girl powering it...<p>

His Sonic beeped at him, and he raised it to look at its readings. And smiled grimly. Yes, that dratted van was coming around the bend... Now he just prayed that all they'd done thus far was just hold her down; _nothing_ would stop a new Oncoming Storm if she'd been violated...

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Donna sat exhausted in the van. She'd been tied up, hands behind her, but no one had tried anything else other than gagging her. After doing that much, they'd left her cuffed to one part of the van while they talked with the two men in the front. But the language was something Donna had never heard before. They had pale skin, so she doubted it was one of those click languages from Africa. Their tones bounced around a bit, but she knew what Asian languages largely sounded like – and this was nothing like those, either!<p>

She had a headache again, but once they'd basically left her alone, it started to fade a little. Somehow, it seemed like those lost memories were pushing their way to the surface, but something was holding them back. Something that Donna sensed was dangerous to her... although it couldn't be as much as the threat these bastards presented!

Who were these men...? What did they want with her...? And why did they have to shoot Shaun...?

* * *

><p>As the van turned the bend, John – well hidden by the trees – aimed both Sonics at the engine. A quick blast, and the van skidded to a stop. He smirked. One of the few good things to come from living on Pete's World: a thorough knowledge of vehicles and how to make one halt from a distance...<p>

Donna would've been thrown if she hadn't been cuffed. The tug hurt her wrists, but the men were ignoring her. Their words got heated, and they all stormed out to check the van – locking her in. She tried to look at her binds, to see if she could get herself free and find a weapon to defend herself...

As those men emerged, John brought the Sonics up to scan, which also brought the Manipulator right next to his ear – letting him listen in on the alien language. He recognized them as members of a major crime syndicate based on their clipped conversation. And he soon blanched as the gist of their plan became clear, which confirmed their identity to him.

This syndicate was known for inventing devices that could actually scan a person's mind and record the memories within. They had been eying Donna for a few years and thought they had a way of capturing the Time Lord memories inside Donna's head and making them usable for themselves. It would kill her, but they didn't care; they planned to use that to take over numerous worlds... including Earth...

Well, John thought as he quickly calibrated the Sonics, they didn't count on a part Time Lord who knows about their little weakness connected to their ears... So he whipped out a sound directing device that Pete Tyler had a hand in inventing (he couldn't remember how many were actually involved), and put the Sonics up against it...

And grimly smiled as the four collapsed from the agony... Serves you all right!

Inside, Donna flinched. She swore she could hear something, but she couldn't discern any noises!

John stopped the directed noise, and pocketed Pete's equipment as he rushed forward. Normally his weakened state would be a hazard in a fight, but that sonic blast would keep them disoriented enough that he could handle them – if he was quick. Which gave him an excuse to put a Sonic against their ears and fire another blast – this one knocking them completely unconscious for at least 30 minutes.

He hoped it'd be enough time to undo the Doctor's work on Donna's mind... And he let the blasts be more intense on the two who grabbed Donna – with the worst saved for the one who shot Shaun. "That's for messing with my best friend," he growled at their unmoving forms once he finished. He could feel his energy crashing, but senses that had been fading for years were being stimulated because he could _feel_ Donna's presence... at long last!

Donna would hear something going on outside, but could make nothing out... It seemed awfully quiet out there... They weren't going to leave her in here and blow her up, were they?

Although, on second thought, that didn't seem likely. They sounded like the stop wasn't planned... Then she jumped when she heard a strange noise that sounded oh-so familiar... and then the door opened...

John made short work of the lock – only the Doctor's memories were needed for that – and yanked it open impatiently. And nearly collapsed in relief at seeing the familiar ginger. "Donna," he cried in relief, and a hint of panic, "you're safe! I'm getting you out!" He held up his hands so she could see them as he approached. No telling how she'd react after this kidnapping...

Donna's eyes widened as she stared at the skinny man who looked more like a boy – especially with that hair that flopped on his head, hair that she somehow thought should be standing up a bit unnaturally – who climbed inside. I-I know him, she thought as her headache returned. He's making a show of not seeming to be a threat... and I believe him...

She recognizes me... The mind-lock must be weakening as her body is... He could feel that her own body was giving out on her – a side effect of the effort to contain the Time Lord mind, but the DNA that she'd absorbed needed that Time Lord energy to power itself... I don't have much time before the Defense Mechanism kicks in... He rushed to remove the gag first; the Doctor hadn't liked them, and he knew Donna hated them equally strongly.

Donna swallowed to speak. There were so many questions she had, but when that strange buzzing sound returned, her eyes went right to the little wand-like thing in his hand. Which released her hands! She could feel her memories pressing against her mind... "I know that..." Images of a man using it to scan her rushed to her awareness... A man who she slapped... twice! The same man again... in that blue suit flashing an ID... No, psychic paper! Her eyes went right to his. "You're..."

John shook his head as he put down the Sonic. "No, I'm not quite him. But I'm here to correct his mistake." He brought his hands to her contact points, not surprised when she flinched at the contact.

No, that's bad... But Donna's thoughts were interrupted when she felt something unlock in her mind... And it was like the universe exploded inside her... She gasped as she felt his mind against hers, struggling... _You're the Duplicate Doctor_, she thought at him in shock.

_Yeah_, he whispered in her, struggling with the effort to contain the energy inside Donna. _Your mind started failing when the cracks sealed between the universes... My Time Lord senses started failing me soon after, but I'd sensed that what he asked of me was wrong... I just didn't think fast enough to stop him... I didn't realize being apart from you would slowly kill me... and vice versa..._

She could feel her mind healing as he guided the energy into something a step below a healing coma, and her body was following suit. _We're two halves of a whole... But... You're using up your own energy to do this! It'll kill you!_

_I've been living a nightmare in Pete's World_, he replied as he focused what seemed like the last of his strength to corral the leftover regeneration energy. _I found a way back to you, because your life is more important than my own. The universe needs the DoctorDonna intact... My needs can be ignored... I give my life for you..._

But he – just like the Doctor – underestimated the human spark, that bit of ingenuity that Time Lords lacked because they'd gone so far from what Earthlings called humanity... Donna, in a part of her mind that John wasn't focusing on, saw a solution. And quickly grabbed his head with one hand to draw him into a kiss, and grasped the Manipulator with her other...

They both nearly stopped breathing as another connection was forged... This time the golden energy within Donna grew into a glowing force that flowed into John, and grew further as it touched the Manipulator. The little cutting of the TARDIS reacted and pulsed to make it grow... Creating enough energy to heal both of them...

When they felt it fade around them, they slowly pulled apart. As his hands dropped to his side, John was shocked to feel... tired, but alive! He stared in shock at his brilliant ginger. "Your energy connected with my Baby Old Girl... and revived all of the cells in our bodies..."

Donna found a smile growing as a long forgotten feeling bloomed in her entire being. "_We_ are the DoctorDonna. Together we can manage a life like Time Lords, but with that human bit. You have enough of that human spark to think of a solution to save me, but you didn't even think of saving yourself, you daft Martian boy!"

He nearly cried again. "Oh, I've missed your insults!"

They both laughed and threw their arms around each other in the tightest hug of either one's lives. They basked in the relief of knowing their lives weren't over, weren't empty, weren't a waste!

And then Donna recalled the events that led up to this. "Shaun...? What happened..."

John cringed, and pulled back just enough to look at her sadly. "I was too late, Donna. I'm so sorry." The man was her husband, after all... John was sure she must feel strongly about him.

She'd known it on some level as soon he'd fallen... but it was another thing to hear it from the one person who would _never_ lie to her... Especially when she realized that their minds had bonded through the energy sharing, and she could see John's memory of Shaun dying... The promise he gave to her husband... Her eyes watered, but no tears fell... "Oh, God... If I'd held to my instincts, he wouldn't have been there!"

The link went two ways, so John's eyes widened as he realized that Donna had harbored doubts about marrying Shaun. That she'd been ready to kill herself to spare her family the continued misery, that she knew she'd made a mistake that – had she gone for a divorce – would only have hurt an innocent man more than he'd already been from being held at a distance... He pulled her in close – cradling her head gently into his neck – as her body shook from the weight of the guilt, of the pressures placed on her by feeling so empty... His own eyes watered, but he fought to hold the tears back; too many memories of having to restrain them for fear of being seen as weak...

_Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears  
>And so you fight to keep from pouring out<em>

He let her weep for a while, trying to keep them from sharing anything further until she'd had a chance to recover _some_ composure. But she surprised him by pulling herself together, despite her churning feelings, and withdrawing from his embrace far sooner than he'd expected. She put a finger over his open mouth. "We need to tie them up and call for back-up, don't we?"

John closed his eyes and – in his mind – muttered a strong Gallifreyan curse over getting distracted. "Right. The sooner, the better... They're probably going to wake up before UNIT can get here." _He_ did that a lot because of her, John thought, didn't he...?

They made quick work of tying the aliens up – in silence because neither quite felt ready to really talk about what had happened to them while they were separated. Of how much things had gone wrong for both of them... and how no one seemed to get what they were experiencing... Because they couldn't trust anyone with what they really felt or thought...

_But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul  
>Do you think that there's enough you might drown?<em>

Finally, Donna used her phone to call the UNIT number that the TARDIS told John about. She waited several seconds for an answer, which mildly surprised her; he'd given her the direct line to Headquarters – along with showing her the Sonic's readings on where they were. Finally, some male answered, and she dropped the bombshell on the poor bloke: "Hello, my name is Donna Noble. I was abducted from outside my mother's house in Chiswick about half an hour ago by aliens who wanted to steal my memories, which would've killed me in the process. My rescuer and I have them tied up and would appreciate someone picking them up." She rattled off their location to the sputtering soldier, who then promised that a urgent response team would be there within twenty minutes.

John sighed. "I hate having to rely on people with guns."

Donna closed her phone and raised her eyebrows. "So that one you put together back in the TARDIS was a fluke?"

He sighed. "I didn't know what else to do. There are only so many ways to handle Daleks."

She brushed his arm, sending as soothing thoughts as she could given how much her mistakes were weighing on her. "You know, I think I was overly influenced by the regeneration energy. And he'd forgotten how much anger he had from... everything. And most importantly, that you got it from him. I see it now... So why didn't you say that you wanted to stay with us?"

John lowered his eyes to the ground, and kicked the dirt. "I... I did wonder if we did owe Rose something, and... I don't deny that he did love her once. But it was over by that moment... I just didn't know what I could say that they'd actually listen to... _He_ wasn't even listening to the TARDIS."

_If no one will listen, if you decide to speak  
>If no one's left standing after the bombs explode<br>If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are  
>I will be here still<em>

Donna took his arm and guided him to lean against the side of the van. When they did, he moved his arm to wrap around her – to ward off the memories. She also pulled her free arm around him as she sensed his discomfort from the memories. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Spaceboy. I should've thought to play the 'he came from both of us, so what are you doing sending our boy off into the care of a kid' card. That should've freaked her out enough to leave without you."

John laughed, a bit awkwardly. "Oh, that would've freaked the Doctor out. Especially because I think he could sense that I don't see you as my mother."

She smiled at the mental image, and then flinched as another came to mind. "Ooh... Jackie might've dragged her out – after she slapped the Doctor. Again."

He pulled her in tighter, leaning his head in to tuck her head under his chin. "He's forgotten that others have the right to live their own lives, to make their own choices."

Donna sighed sadly. "He hated those parts of himself that had to do horrible things," she reflected aloud, "and he had a scapegoat in you."

His voice tightened. "And he couldn't bear to share you... And that forced you to live a less than brilliant life!" He choked on the last words, partly because he could feel how much weight she'd lost to the illness.

Donna sniffled, wiping some of the tears that were escaping from his eyes. "And he made you live with someone who didn't appreciate you as you are..."

_No one can tell you where you alone must go  
>There's no telling what you find there<em>

It was John's turn to sniffle. "So why didn't either of us protest? Why did we let the person who's been called The Lonely God dictate our lives?"

Donna had to think, to sift through the emotions that created a hole in her psyche – a hole that John was already beginning to heal, just by being right there with her. The answer slowly came to her – in one of those elusive moments of clarity. "Fear... Neither of us had ever challenged anyone to _that_ extent... and we were both in the grips of the newness of our respective situations. Me as a Time Lady, and you having a full body... We were overwhelmed... and nothing feeds on that feeling like fear..."

_And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones  
>It's screaming every step, "Just stay here?"<em>

The truth of her words slammed on him like the weight of Gallifrey itself. "I was extremely afraid... and, just like him, I didn't dare show it... A Time Lord – or a Time Lady – was never to show such emotional states. It was... unseemly..."

Donna snorted. She couldn't help it. "Sounds like your people were trying to be Vulcans, except a lot less practical. At least Spock's people would occasionally own up to having emotions influence their logic, and – if I'm not mistaken, because I swear I read this when I was much younger – without emotions, we can't make any decisions."

The imagery struck a chord. Several, actually. It kept him from talking aloud, and made him choke up mentally.

_If no one will listen, if you decide to speak  
>If no one's left standing after the bombs explode<br>If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are  
>I will be here still<em>

But Donna could feel the images from the Doctor's mind flooding John's consciousness, could feel them as her own because of the Meta-Crisis... And she cried a bit more. "He always had a greater contact with what we call humanity – that need to connect with others, to feel needed and to help. It's why he ran... Why he fell in with humans in the first place..."

John nodded. "But as much as he rebelled against the Time Lords, his thinking was twisted by them. They thought of races like humans as like flies. Unimportant, insignificant..."

Donna remembered the Oodsphere, her realization that traveling to the future wasn't something all wonderful. "But humans are capable of so many terrible things..."

"So are Gallifreyans," John reminded her, thinking vividly of the Master. When he felt the answering cringe, he added, "In fact, I think our connection to time and space makes us even more dangerous. It's why he had to condemn Gallifrey..."

"No wonder he's a bit crazy," Donna mused. "The weight of the universe really is on his shoulders, unless the Guardians of Time find a way to return..." She looked up, forcing John to meet her eyes. "You didn't just get all of that baggage. You got mine, too... And I got his... No wonder we were both under so much pressure and didn't speak up; not one of the three of us involved had a habit of being kind to our respective selves..."

_If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down  
>If your legs have given out under the weight<em>

John's face hardened, and his body tensed. "It doesn't justify his actions. He made us both settle for something less than what we could have, what we could be. Even Rose; she never quite let go after he'd burned that sun to say goodbye. If he hadn't, I think she would've started moving on by the time the stars starting going out."

Donna looked back on the Doctor's memories of Rose, and felt a sharp contrast with that she'd seen with her own eyes. "She didn't really grow up, did she?"

"Not until a physician in Pete's World examined her for an odd headache during one of my visits to the hospital." John shuddered at the memory. "We found out that she had damage to her frontal lobes that he couldn't explain. But I knew at once what caused it..."

And so did Donna. "The energy that made her into the Bad Wolf..." The implications hit her hard. "Then some of Rose's behavior afterward..."

"Wasn't entirely her fault," John acknowledged. "It hurt to realize that I'd been getting pressure from her to conform to what she remembered the Doctor being like and looking like, hearing all those comparisons, and being made to feel like less than a person... all because _he_ didn't _bother_ to check her for damage after absorbing the Time Vortex from her!"

Donna felt more tears fall. She hadn't realized that Rose was as much a victim as they were... "So she, too, was having to settle... But she had even less of a clue than we did because she was so sheltered..."

_If you find you've been settling for a world of gray  
>So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate<em>

"But there's hope for her," John added quietly, after a few moments of silence. "The physicians had ideas for repairing the damage, and started her on a treatment. And she started responding, started thinking more about others instead of herself. Mind, it didn't make up for all she'd done to me. I had to get my own place – away from the Tyler mansion – within a few months of being left behind with her and Jackie, and had endured a lot of efforts to..." He swallowed, unable to speak of it.

Thankfully, Donna saw the memories and reached up to stroke his cheek. "If you'd just had the Doctor's memories, you would've just been confused as all get out. But you had mine, so you knew what she was thinking about, and you found yourself repulsed. By _her_..."

He slowly nodded, bile rising over the memory. "I realized how young she really was... and that the Doctor had allowed himself to ignore that in favor of focusing on her innocence. He was so caught up in his grief and anger over the Time War that he forgot to treat her like a daughter... Would've saved us all so much trouble!"

Donna felt irritation growing, and wondered whether the Doctor was the biggest bloke in the entire history of the Universe.

John snorted. "You should explore the memories of the Academy teachers. They make him look positively wise." Then he had a new thought. "The one thing that always puzzled me about the worst of my illnesses, the one that I thought was going to kill me right then, was that it had to be because he regenerated. Since we both carry that self's DNA, and the DNA of each incarnation is defunct once regeneration is complete, I don't see how we can both still be alive. It should've killed us..."

They both pondered that for a bit, letting the genetic mystery roll around in their heads. Until Donna had a brainwave. "I can think of three things that prevented that. My human DNA, your baby TARDIS, and our link. They combined to keep us alive, to give us a chance find our way back to each other..."

_If no one will listen, if you decide to speak  
>If no one's left standing after the bombs explode<br>If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are  
>I will be here still<em>

Donna shook her head, having no desire to think more about their close calls that moment. They had bigger, more immediate problems to deal with, after all. "What are you going to do now that you're here? You're gonna need a job. Blimey, _I_ need a job..." Haven't been able to work in months, and I was doing it because I wanted to!

He heard her thoughts, and the question. And both had him puzzled. In a small voice, he asked, "Is working necessary? Can't we just travel and help people...?" You won the lottery thanks to him...

Donna smirked a little over the hint of the little boy whining that she'd missed. So that's where that ticket came from... Still a such a cheap present! Didn't really help me at all! "Oh, I'm sure we'll do that, but we need something of stability. A new place to call home – I can't stay in the place I'm at; too many memories I need to move past, to let go – and..." She swallowed. "And just in case we decide to adopt, to raise a family... If," she quickly added, "you're interested in that."

He looked at her, and could see the desires that had driven her to settle. The Doctor hadn't thought about children since Jenny, but John had every reason to assume he would live a human life-span. Then again, he thought, I suppose that he could be wrong about that... Maybe I'll turn into that one-heart person who does regenerate and gain a second heart that he once joked about being to throw someone off...

He and Donna laughed a little over the memory of the Doctor's amusement at how well that trick had worked. And how he'd thought about throwing it out at others. Donna choked out, "He really claimed to be half-human?"

"And to think I'm here," John reflected absently. "No one could've predicted that. I can't believe Dalek Caan could..."

We need to move on, Donna realized slowly, and – as hard as it'll be – we have to start now... "Hey," she murmured, stroking his cheek again. "If I understand how this bond works... we're basically married by Gallifreyan law, right?"

He nodded, not quite connected enough to sense her thoughts. She's holding herself back a bit, he realized, because she doesn't want to push me...

She grinned hesitantly at him. "Then, we'll stick together. I no longer think of you as... 'nothing,' and I bet we're actually going to suit rather well. I'll even marry you by Earth law one day – when we're both enough past this whole mess – but I'll expect a little bit of a courtship. Got it?" She hoped the familiar teasing would take away any sting from her words, but she did have the memories of the Doctor's perspective on her... So she didn't think what she was suggesting would be unwelcome... And from the beaming smile that suddenly lit his still too-pale face, she'd made his dreams come true.

"Donna," he whispered, almost choking on his words, "nothing would make me happier than to give the Most Important Woman in my universe what she's always wanted. I love the idea of having our own Mini-Donnas."

Daft man and that daft alien's ginger obsession... She snorted. "As long as you won't mind any Mini-Johns."

He had to laugh. "With our luck, we'd probably get a Mini-Doctor."

She laughed and groaned. "The universe wouldn't know what hit it..."

Their slightly hysterical humor was broken by hearing a few vehicles rapidly approaching. Both tensed, and John moved carefully to look. He heaved a relieved sigh when he saw the UNIT logo on the front of each of the three vehicles. "Help is here."

She clutched him in a hug, and he wrapped his arms around her protectively. Trying to shield her from the world, and from herself. "So we give our statements," Donna murmured, "and then I go let Mum and Gramps know I'm okay?"

_If no one will listen, if you decide to speak  
>If no one's left standing after the bombs explode<br>If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are  
>I will be here still<em>

"Yeah." Another thought cut off a continuation of the casual tone. "Um... You know, _he'll_ probably be there..."

Donna froze. Here was a repeat, in a way, of the moment she'd searched for several years ago. And yes, she was a _compassionate_ person. But... "Good," she said sharply. "It's time for him to hear some home truths..."

_I will be here still_

For the first time, John felt a twinge of empathy – and concern – for his progenitor. Donna was angry, and had no problem slapping. Especially an annoying, arrogant Time Lord who'd wronged her after she'd considered him to be her best friend ever...


	4. Never Again

PART 4: NEVER AGAIN

Author's Note: It's Eleven's turn to have a song showcasing his emotions. The difference here is that the song is highlighting what he _thinks_ he hears in Donna's actions and words... If you like Eleven or River, brace yourselves... because the Doctor has earned every bit of this guilt trip...

Mind you, this isn't as harsh on the Doctor as I'd originally thought. I ran into a stumbling block called Donna Noble's compassion. You be the judge of how hard I was on him.

Say hello to the chapter that wouldn't end...

By the way, if you haven't seen the video for "Never Again," you might want to find it on YouTube. It shows just how angry the song is, and I actually took a little inspiration from its ending...

* * *

><p>Once the Doctor felt recovered enough, which took a lot longer than he wanted, he rushed out of the TARDIS. Amy and Rory had to race to keep up as their Raggedy friend ran like the hounds of hell were on his heels.<p>

And from what they'd witnessed... that just might be the case...

They caught up when he stopped suddenly, and they soon saw why. Black, official vans and other vehicles were all along one street, and people were being held back by a variety of bobbies and soldiers. They even saw evidence of crime scene investigators, which made the Doctor pale. "No," he breathed, feeling his hearts stop, "no..." And ran into the fray... Not Donna!

Someone in uniform tried to stop him, and he just pushed them aside. "I'm _the_ Doctor, and I need to know what happened here!"

A dark-skinned female in a senior uniform approached him. "_You're_ the Doctor?"

He recognized her. "Captain Erisa Magambo, right? Oh, no, Major Magambo," he corrected himself, noticing the different rank insignia. He cut off her obvious question. "Yes, I know I look different, but I am the Doctor. I assume you've read my file so you get that it happens that I change. So what happened here?"

She eyed him curiously for a long moment, trying to come to grips with the different appearance before her. "What's your interest in this? And who are these two with you?"

It took all his (limited) patience to keep his voice at anything below panic. "Donna Noble was a companion – she saved all of creation and paid a heavy price for it – and this is her mother's house. These two are traveling with me. Again, what happened here?"

Major Magambo sighed. "What we have are witness reports of a kidnapping and a dead body."

The Doctor paled. "Whose...?" He was guided over, Amy and Rory following closely, and then saw a sheet over a body on the sidewalk. One of the techs working nearby, on a hand signal from the Major, pulled the sheet back a little. And the Doctor sucked in a breath. "Shaun Temple... Donna's husband..." Even though he wept inside at another life lost, his legs nearly buckled in relief that Donna herself wasn't under that sheet.

"Apparently," Major Magambo continued, "a black van drove up, two men abducted Donna Temple-Noble, and one of them shot Mr. Temple. Witnesses, including Mrs. Noble and her father, saw a man who looked like the person we knew as the Doctor run up, check on Mr. Temple, and then moments later vanish. When the paramedics came, Mr. Temple was already dead."

The Doctor roughly grabbed his hair. "No, no, no! Oh, no! She should've been safe! She was supposed to have the life she'd always wanted!" A moment later, he whipped back to face the Major. "Do we know who targeted her?"

"Not yet." Major Magambo tried to keep her voice even. No one had ever written about how to handle an unstable Doctor... "We don't have any indications." She gave a general overview of what information was available, which told the Doctor nothing about who had targeted Donna. "The only thing we know," Major Magambo concluded, "is that Mrs. Temple-Noble's health has been declining since her wedding night."

"How do you know that?" Amy was the one to blurt out the question. Ever since hearing about what the Doctor had done to Donna in the name of saving her life, and hearing from John Noble about how _well_ things had worked with Rose Tyler, she'd started questioning how wise the Raggedy Doctor was toward his companions. Even more so than when she'd had the shocking revelation about her and Rory's little girl's future... And that was _before_ they lost her to the universe...

"Who are you?" Sylvia Noble's voice was still unmistakable; the Doctor could hear her daughter in the tone. He turned slowly and saw her and Wilf clutching each other's hands, looking absolutely pale.

This will be awkward... He couldn't move, but he made himself speak. Although it took a few tries to find his voice; here were the people he'd trusted to keep Donna safe, and they'd been unable to do so. He owed them an explanation. "Sylvia, Wilf, it's me. The Doctor."

Sylvia and Wilf both blinked, staring at him like he'd grown a second head. Which, the Doctor reflected, wasn't entirely off the mark. Even though he'd explained the Meta-Crisis – including the rather big detail about regeneration – when he brought Donna back. But before either could demand an answer, a familiar female voice called out, rather blandly, "You regenerated again, didn't you?"

Martha Jones! The Doctor whipped around to face his former companion – and got a double shock. Standing next to her were Mickey and Jack. The former's expression was stony, and the latter's... was filled with anger. "Where," Jack boomed, "the hell _have_ you been? Did you not know that we could've used your help the 456 and with Miracle Day? What was so important that you couldn't come when we called? Just like Harriet Jones worried would happen?"

The Doctor was silent. He remembered the former PM's words, and his last self's anger that she'd ordered the destruction of the retreating ship. What had happened...? And why didn't he know...?

Mickey sighed. "I think we've got to focus on what's happening now. No point in beating a dead horse. As much as we'd like to rake you over the coals for not being there those times..."

The trailing off reminded Martha of exactly why she was there. She motioned him toward Wilf and Sylvia, and away from the prying ears of the others. Amy and Rory, however, followed closely. Enough that Jack looked curiously at them. "New companions?"

Amy frowned. "We've been traveling with him for quite a bit, yes. Seen what could have been the end of the universe with him. I'm Amy Pond, and this is my husband, Rory Williams. Now, I'd like to think that we can be trusted with this – and I bet you'd better continue, because I've never seen the Doctor act this freaked out over _anything_."

Martha eyed the two a moment, and then fixed a glare on the Doctor. "UNIT has been watching over Donna ever since we got word that you'd locked her memories away. I _hoped_ you knew what you were doing, but I had to look out for her. I had her family keep me informed of her status, and when she collapsed on her wedding night, I arranged to get copies of every medical report since you left her."

"Wait!" The Doctor needed more information. "Explain how you've been keeping an eye on her without her knowing."

That launched Mickey into the overview of what methods had been used. Sylvia and Wilf pitched in, tensely, with what they did to keep UNIT in the loop. The people who had seen the most of the information were Martha and Mickey – much to the Doctor's relief.

But his relief faded when Martha picked up the story of what else they'd noticed. "Seems your memories weren't the only thing she got from the Meta-Crisis. She also got some of your DNA."

The Doctor slapped his own forehead. "Of course! Two-way Meta-Crisis. Her human DNA gave the Duplicate one heart, and mine made the Time Lord consciousness possible within her mind!"

Jack interrupted. "And apparently, your DNA needs that Time Lord energy to run properly. Near as we can tell, it's been slowly shutting down ever since."

The Doctor froze solid. He swore his hearts stopped beating.

Martha continued, coldly, "From what I can tell, Doctor, when you regenerated, the DNA that came from your last self nearly died completely. In fact, it'd become so entwined in reworking Donna's DNA that she... _should have died_ that night." She hated the gasps from Sylvia and Wilf, felt for the shock on Amy and Rory's faces, but felt only a little twinge for the Doctor. She didn't understand why things had to be the way they were, and was ready to demand answers. For everybody's sake. "When did Donna start to turn for the worse after we left, Doctor?"

He heard the demand in her voice. He'd heard it on New Earth, and a few times since. Having been around Donna, with her memory still so vivid, ensured that he had to answer honesty. "After I left the Duplicate with Rose." Which I now see was the biggest mistake I've ever made...

Mickey scoffed. "So it didn't even occur to you that she might need him? And what about him? If she suffered because of... your old DNA, then wouldn't he be dead since he was mostly Time Lord?" I had to leave because I couldn't stand being around Rose and her obsession with getting back to him! Wonder if I should've said a bit more about how she'd changed...

The Doctor flinched. John's words were still fresh in his mind, and their argument replayed itself in his mind. Mickey, he probably had a lot to tell me about how Rose coped. If I'd known... what would I have done...?

"You told us," Sylvia snapped, her voice low and controlled – reminding the Doctor of Donna at her most frightening, "that we could keep her safe by lying to her. But she could tell. We had to interfere so much to keep her from learning the truth. I could see her light going out slowly, and it's gotten worse since her illness. How could someone like you have not seen this could happen? Why couldn't you stop it?"

Wilf wanted to defend his friend, but he was too caught up in his own thoughts. Which he voiced aloud. "Oh, I knew that she was just making do... All that time we spent trying to protect her, it made her not trust her own instincts. She wouldn't have accepted Shaun if she had..."

The Doctor had reeled enough from Sylvia's venom, which he'd expected to receive, but Wilf's forlorn regrets... His respiratory bypass kicked in when he suddenly couldn't breathe, and he staggered to the house to lean against the door-frame. Oh, Rassilon... Why couldn't I see this coming...? I would've tried everything to save Donna!

He had a sudden vision of even using the Chameleon Arch to become human again – to be near her without triggering anything bad. Though it seemed like that might not have prevented this...

The lengthy silence was finally broken. "Major!" A Private rushed up, snapped a salute, and informed the group, "Call from Headquarters. The kidnappers have been apprehended and Mrs. Temple-Noble is safe."

The Doctor, Sylvia, and Wilf heaved enormous sighs of relief. The others exhaled heavily. Major Magambo was first to speak. "That was quick. How is she?"

"Tired, but alert and coherent. Only slightly roughed up. Reported that her memories are back, and that she was already feeling better. The bloke who saved her also said he was feeling better than he was."

The Doctor interrupted. "Tall, skinny, blue-suited, and wearing trainers?" At the confused nod, he felt a strange mixture of relief and... guilt. "He was right..."

Mickey glared at the Doctor. "And you didn't even think about it then?" His words were unusually calm, and measured. A sign of someone trying to hold back anger over someone they cared about being mistreated. Like, he thought, I feared back when he was that bloke with the ears... "If you didn't want Rose traveling with you again because you'd changed, why didn't you give her the truth? Didn't she deserve honesty from you?"

Jack nodded grimly. "Yes, it would've hurt. But nowhere near as much as what you did. Besides, she's young and a human. She had plenty of time to heal, no matter what she thought might happen."

Martha nodded, just as grim. "How could you not know that the decent thing to do was to not fob her off on an innocent who did what he thought was right? I'm not convinced that what your Duplicate did was wrong; what else could we have done about all those Daleks?"

"Excuse me," Major Magambo interrupted, "but I need a fuller report." She turned to the private. "Where is Mrs. Temple-Noble and... What did the man call himself?"

"John Noble. They gave their statements there, and then they said they'd take a different route home. He wrapped his arms around her, she tweaked with something on his wrist, and they vanished."

Jack's eyebrows raised, intrigued. "So he crossed back over with a Vortex Manipulator. Wonder how he got his hands on that..."

"Major!" Another voice called out from near the perimeter. The whole group turned to look, and the Doctor was one of those who froze stiff as they saw who was approaching...

* * *

><p>Getting away from the UNIT people had been important to John; he needed to get Donna to the TARDIS to make sure she'd be okay. And he had a feeling that the Doctor would rush out to check on things, with his companions following to keep him out of trouble. Which would give them a window of having the Old Girl to themselves...<p>

Now, he knew Donna Noble and her compassionate nature. The anger he'd heard before UNIT arrived was understandable; they – and others – had suffered needlessly because his progenitor had an unfortunate tendency to decide things without consulting anyone. And had a far-too developed guilt complex. So it mollified a bit of his own frustrations.

Not that he wanted to be around the Doctor much more. He might take a page from Donna's book and feel for the Time Lord's plight, but he could _never_ forget being dumped at Bad Wolf Bay and its aftermath... Forgiving was not the same as forgetting...

He held Donna when they appeared next to the Old Girl, and was relived to discover that recovering from Vortex travel was easier now that he was stronger. She, on the other hand... needed a moment. "God, I can see why he hates traveling this way!"

"It gets easier if you rely on it," he whispered, gently stroking her head. until she was able to pull away and stand on her own. They approached the doors, noticing that three people appeared to be running away from them. "That's him and his current companions," he whispered as he snapped his fingers to open the doors.

But, upon entering and closing the doors behind them, they staggered again when the TARDIS gave in to a need to mentally bawl in relief over seeing them both. The Time Human duo cried as they felt the particular joy of the ancient ship in seeing and feeling Donna again. (She'd given John his own welcome while he was waking from his journey back to this universe.) They each gently stroked the walls, struts, and other objects on their way to the medbay.

Special liquids were waiting for them, as well as protein drinks to replenish Donna's cells especially, and those were quickly downed. The duo communed silently with the ship while they got the confirmation that they were on their way to recovery. They didn't need much time there; they just collected more of those liquids and special foods in one of the dimensionally-controlled bags the TARDIS provided.

They'd need them. Besides the recovery to what they'd been back before things went completely pear-shaped thanks to the Doctor, it'd help with bouncing back if they had to suddenly travel anywhere...

Then they went to Donna's old room. She wanted to collect the mementos that the Doctor had kept out of her bags when he returned her and her things. It was completely bittersweet seeing everything again – and made worse by the crying they could feel the TARDIS doing.

They wished they could offer better comfort. But what could they do? The time-lines couldn't be meddled with now...

As they packed, John shared his vision of what the future held for him and Donna: growing their little baby TARDIS (which he had thanks to the Old Girl making sure he saw the cutting before they landed at Bad Wolf Bay – while the Time Lord was looking away and distracted by questions from Rose and Jackie – and urging him to stash it in his pocket – and he never let Rose know about it) by means he couldn't yet figure out, helping those around them rebuild ways of defending Earth, and – and this was the part that excited him the most – raising a brood of Time Humans.

Donna couldn't help but smile. He was trying to not be too enthusiastic in light of her losses, but it gave her hope. "We're the first of a new species," she mused. "One day we might have to go to the future for special genetic manipulation so we can keep the Gallifreyan traits as alive as possible in our descendants"

John beamed at her, and then frowned as a thought hit. "Not New Earth."

Her eyes widened as the same memories flashed in her mind, and she nodded quickly. "Of course not!"

They thought they'd gotten everything when the TARDIS hinted they should look in the closet. They slowly moved to it, opened the doors together... and froze at the items inside. A few stood out more, though: a few pairs of trainers, the "jinxed" suit, the coat, and... the brown pinstripes...

Both cried at these last vestiges of the Tenth Doctor. The Old Girl was asking them to take them for John, as they would carry on _his_ legacy. Donna pulled out the pinstripes... The suit he'd worn when they met, when they were reunited, on several adventures, when his actions separated them... and the last thing he wore before regenerating... Donna clutched it to her, grieving for the Spaceman she'd personally known... and for the nine other hims who had come before. John pulled her into his arms, sharing in the pain completely.

It took several long minutes before they could compose themselves enough to carefully fold the clothes into one of the additional bags, and gently stuff the trainers in after them. With everything else packed, John tugged the coat off its hanger, and slowly drew it on. The sight brought more tears to Donna's eyes, but there was a strange measure of comfort for both of them in seeing and feeling it again.

With the bags hanging over their shoulders, they slowly walked out hand in hand – with their respective free ones slowly running their fingers over various surfaces. Keeping up a last contact with the Old Girl, who desperately wished that she had her humanoid form again – all so she could hug them physically as well as mentally. Tear ran down their faces again as they walked outside and closed the doors, each pressing a kiss against the door for the goodbye that neither could think, let alone say. And when they walked toward the scene of the crime, the TARDIS reluctantly broke the link first – as she knew that to linger would make things more painful for all of them.

John and Donna continued along, each lost in their own thoughts about the loss that followed the Doctor throughout his life. Sometimes of his own doing...

As they approached the busy street, a few UNIT soldiers apparently recognized them and made all sorts of motions and call-outs. Finally, one stood still and waited for them. They shared a glance. Time to face the music, they both knew.

That one guard said when they approached him, "Mrs. Temple-Noble? Mr. Noble?" When they just nodded, he motioned in the direction where Donna knew her car still was. "This way, if you will." He didn't wait for their reaction, but started walking. They shared an annoyed glance, but shrugged and followed.

It didn't seem like long before they heard Sylvia and Wilf cry out: "Donna!" And they looked up to see them rushing toward them. John silently accepted the bags Donna was carrying so she could run to meet them. He smiled as the family was reunited. A family, he slowly remembered as he continued walking, that I'm going to be part of...

The Doctor's breath caught when his eyes laid on Donna. He hated how thin and pale she looked, but he could tell – even at this distance – that her eyes were once again alive with confidence as she was filled with ideas to put her brilliant mind to work on. She was free from the curse he'd hated himself for bringing upon her... His feet carried him toward her, with the rest following carefully behind him...

Wilf pulled back first to cup Donna's face. "I'm so glad to see you whole again, sweetheart," he cried in a mix of joy and sadness. "Wish it were under better circumstances."

Donna nodded, tears forming again but not falling yet. She turned to face her mother, whose hands were clutching her shoulders. "He made you lie to me," Donna murmured, managing to keep her frustration down to a bare minimum.

Sylvia lowered her head briefly. "I didn't know what else to do." Tears spilled down the blond's face. "I know I... didn't say it or show it well. I've never been good at saying what I really mean... but you've _always_ been the most important woman in the universe to me." That sent the tears falling down Donna's face, and mother and daughter hugged tightly. A peace finally falling over them...

The Doctor nearly cried when he just overheard Sylvia's words. Word she should've told Donna all along. Not, a dark side of him commented, like he had much room to talk; he never outright called her his best friend to her face. You should've done at least that much.

The hug would've lasted longer, except Sylvia noticed the man approaching. As she pulled back, Wilf noticed, too. "So," he began, awkwardly as this was something he hadn't thought possible, "you're the Duplicate Doctor. And you saved Donna."

John waved. "Hello. But I'd rather you call me John Noble. It's what I've been going by for several years now. And really, I'd rather not be known as the Duplicate anything. Better than being called a clone, but still: people keep comparing you to someone else, and I'm ready to be recognized as my own person." He nodded at his better half. "Like Donna has from early on. And _she_ saved us, by the way."

The Doctor cringed. It sounded like more proof of how badly things had gone between John and Rose. And it stung...

Sylvia stepped toward John, making him freeze. She eyed him carefully. "You came back, at great risk, for Donna." I can see the restrained adoration in his eyes. Just like I could with the Doctor, even though he was less expressive of it... But I need to know that he'll be loyal no matter what...

John met Sylvia's gaze evenly, despite not feeling easy with her. The Doctor's memories of dealing with mothers of companions were still fresh... "Because I need her." He hoped the answer conveyed everything that needed to be said; his human side told him that to outright say what he really felt – even though he didn't want to hide from them like the Doctor had – would, under the circumstances, be completely impolitic.

It was more than enough for Sylvia, who could see the devotion and loyalty and passion that the man was holding back out of respect for Shaun's death. So she did something she wouldn't have thought possible before: she hugged him tightly. It threw poor John for a loop; his hands hung by his sides in shock, and his eyes were comically wide. Still, he slowly returned the hug since... Sylvia would be his mum, in a way... Which kind of scared him...

The Doctor tensed, feeling aggravation building. _I_ nearly got attacked by her, but _he_ gets a hug?

Wilf went up to add to the hug. "Welcome to the family, lad," he whispered, and Sylvia nodded. It made John and Donna tear a little.

Donna's musings of relief that her family, who she couldn't stay mad at given that they had no say in the matter, had accepted John whole-heartedly were interrupted when an arm draped over her shoulders. "Good to see the Ginger Time Lady be herself again," Jack drawled with his familiar grin.

She turned her eyes to meet his. "Oh, _now_ you'll hug me?" Wanna explain the last time, Sunshine...?

I would've hugged you back then, Jack thought, but the Doctor was giving off 'mine' signals that would've drowned out a loudspeaker. But, he knew, the time to have said that was then... "I'm just glad you're not in anymore danger," he said, honestly. That earned him a hug of thanks that said she was pleased to remember him – and see him.

John gently broke the hug, and let Wilf take some of the bags. Sylvia surprised him by taking the rest, but he mentally shook that off to walk right next to Donna. The Time Agent pulled away with a big grin, but John held up a finger. "Fair warning: try to kiss either of us, and you'll be limping."

Jack froze. The same fierce protective love that he'd sensed toward Donna in the Doctor was radiating as loudly from this man. Sighing, he shook his head. "Still ruining my fun," he grumbled before pulling John into a hug anyway – but not trying anything more. He had no interest in gaining first-hand experience with a Donna slap.

John and Donna exchanged a silently groaning glance as he did return the hug. _Same old Jack: a complete tart..._

"Donna!" Martha rushed up and impulsively hugged the woman who'd nearly been her friend, delighted when she was hugged just as tightly. "So glad you're safe!" They broke their hug, and she asked, "Is it all right if I check you over at some point?"

Donna beamed. "You're probably the only doctor on Earth that I'd trust, Dr. Jones. Or is it Dr. Milligan now?"

Martha's expression twisted. "Um... It's still Dr. Jones. But I am sometimes known as Mrs. Smith." She tilted her head toward Mickey, not quite wanting to explain things with him around. It was a difficult story that she still needed drinks to describe with any calm.

Fortunately, she was talking to the most compassionate person she'd ever met. "Well," Donna said with quiet conviction, "Tom's loss and Mickey's gain. And yours." She let go to give the young man who Rose hadn't treated quite right – even if you didn't love a guy, it was no excuse to just drop him like she had – his own warm hug.

Martha turned to John. Awkwardly, she asked, "Are you okay... John?"

John and the Doctor could both see why she had trouble saying the name. It brought back bad memories of 1913. Another time that a companion hadn't been treated well... John smiled. "I'm getting better every moment. Though I, too, would be pleased to call you my physician." He hoped it was enough of a bone to throw her – for now. He'd figure out – with Donna's help – how he could make things up to her since the Doctor couldn't. Martha smiled and they shared an impulsive hug, just like when she'd called the Doctor and met Donna in the process.

As Mickey approached to clasp John's hand in a welcome back moment, Donna's Time Lady senses reminded her that someone else was present. She tensed, bracing herself for what wouldn't be pleasant for her to do as she turned around. And her eyes met the Doctor's... and she let out a shocked gasp. It was one thing to have seen a near regeneration, but this...

The Doctor was overwhelmed by relief at finally being looked upon with something like recognition by Donna. He knew it was due to her Time senses, but still... "Donna," he breathed, profoundly grateful just to see her again without any danger to her.

If I let him hug me, Donna knew, I'm not going to be able to say the things I need to. And John needs to be away from him... She approached with measured steps, and put her hand into her pocket to hold the Sonic John had nicked from him. "God, and to think I once thought you looked like a skinny streak of nothing! You're a kid now!" Her bolshy side was an asset here, and she was determined to use it to her advantage. "At least your last self was actually handsome, once a girl had a chance to get used to his skinny nature."

Amy opened her mouth, but Rory held up his finger. He shook his head at her, hard, and Amy saw the wisdom in keeping silent. She knew what a ginger's fury could be, after all...

I should've known that'd be the first thing she'd comment on... "It was either die completely or... take my chances. What would you have done?"

Donna pulled out the Sonic. "Consult with others first before making choices for them. So," she added, not giving him a chance to speak, "this is the Sonic that'll one day belong to River Song. Really sad thing, you two running into each other from opposite directions. Makes you wonder how much you're trapped by circumstances. I wonder if she ever felt whatever you had was tainted by that knowledge..."

The Doctor stared, stunned that she'd voiced something that he had avoided thinking about... It was an even better that he didn't notice how Amy and Rory _paled_ at Donna's words...

_I hope the ring you gave to her  
>Turns her finger green<em>

"She knew who I was once she heard my first name," Donna mused tensely. "Given how hard it can be to get you to talk about your past companions, that tells me that my memory has haunted you. Have you ever thought about what the knowledge that a bloke's ex is on his mind does to a girlfriend's sanity?"

Memories of how he'd treated Martha flashed before him, and he paled. Especially since Rose's behavior toward John made it clear that she wasn't what he'd made her out to be in his mind...

_I hope when you're in bed with her  
>You think of me<em>

He cleared his throat. "Donna-"

She held up a hand. "Do you really think that some apology will fix things? That I could let go so easily of what your actions have caused?" She let some of the anger bubble up, to mask her hurt. "I never wished for bad things to happen to you, but how can you expect me to be happy to see you again? Especially since I'm a widow for real? Your words are like vapors right now, Sunshine!"

The Doctor nearly cried. Had he mucked up so much that he couldn't make it up to her...?

_I would never wish bad things  
>But I don't wish you well<br>Could you tell  
>By the flames that burned your words?<em>

Everyone – including nearby UNIT soldiers and officers – went silent. This showdown promised to be epic... Even the Doctor's former companions eyes' were trying to go into orbit.

Donna held her hand up higher, pointing it at him. "I don't want to hear an apology, Spaceman. I can predict every word that might come out of your mouth, even if you are a different person now. So don't even bother with something my old Sunday school teacher wouldn't have bought from me back then. It's not worth being said."

Now the Doctor couldn't talk if he wanted to. He felt like he was observing the Oncoming Storm... Except this was better described as the build-up of the Raging Inferno...

_I never read your letter  
>'Cause I knew what you'd say<em>

_Give me that Sunday school answer  
>Try and make it all okay<em>

Donna started walking in a circle around the Doctor, needing to move and not daring to let her hands anywhere near him. If she actually slapped him, the contact would let her feel his own pain, and she didn't trust herself to not cave a bit – and she knew she couldn't... "After all the pain you suffered from the Time War, all those feelings of being an outcast, I can't see how you could think it was okay to send away someone who was family. I bet you wouldn't have done it if you'd realized just how easily you could've avoided feeling like my memory was haunting you all the time... John and I would never have let you do what you did on Mars."

He couldn't take his eyes off her, and his body slowly turned so he could keep meeting those flashing eyes. Eyes that once looked upon him with infinite compassion and understanding... And those last words re-enforced things he'd sensed even then...

_Does it hurt  
>To know I'll never be there?<br>__Bet it sucks  
>To see my face everywhere<em>

Donna fixed a steely glare when her heart squirmed over the abject horror in his eyes. Can't back off now; I'm needed here. "You've got no right to think that words are all it'll take. Not when the whole thing is your fault. I was so overwhelmed by having your mind in mine that I didn't have a clue what you might do until it was all too late."

Which he and John both knew was the absolute truth... Except John had had more time to accept it, and had forgiven Donna for her unwitting part in the whole mess – but not the Doctor...

_It was you  
>Who chose to end it like you did<br>I was the last to know_

"I don't want to know when you knew what you thought you had to do," Donna continued sharply. "Oi, don't you claim you were lost then!"

_You knew  
>Exactly what you would do<br>Don't say  
>You simply lost your way<em>

The Doctor tried to retort, but Donna – as always – was too quick when he was about to pull one out of his arse. "You had us all right there! All you had to do was ask for ideas, and you didn't! Save your denials for a companion young and naïve enough to buy them!"

Amy once again wanted to speak, but the sight of the nearly speechless raggedy Doctor was enough to hold her tongue. She just clutched Rory's hand out of a bit of frustration; she knew – for the first time – that she fell into that category despite all the growing up she'd done since knowing her former imaginary friend...

_She may believe you  
>But I never will<br>Never again_

The Doctor found his voice. "Why do you have to say all this...?"

Donna saw a hint of her clueless Outer Space Dunce in that almost whimpered question, and it tugged at her heart. But... Can't give in... "I want to know whether your friend... the Professor..." She knew he knew that she knew why he'd known he had to trust River, and that whole thing bothered her. A lot. For his sake... and a bit for Professor Song. "She knew my name. I wonder how much she knows about what you thought about me... What I meant to you... And how much that hurt..." Because I was growing uneasy about hearing of Rose; her coming back seemed like I'd be dropped like a hot stone... "Or if you kept her from finding out..."

_If she really knows the truth  
>She deserves you<br>A trophy wife, oh how cute  
><em>_Ignorance is bliss_

He couldn't answer. He didn't know quite what the answer was. Even though he knew River was partly Time Lord because she'd been conceived on board the TARDIS... There were apparently still so many adventures ahead...

Donna, seeing the clear uncertainty, sighed – though she made sure it sounded like a disdaining snort. "Figures. You said nothing. So she lets you get away with the kind of crap that I never put up with. No wonder you're so messed up, Spaceman. She has no idea of how bad things will get... or how painful your first time meeting her would be for her... That dying alone isn't the worst thing that can happen to someone..."

Amy and Rory gasped. Her hands flew to her mouth, and Rory's to her arms. They didn't want to know what that indicated... because it was too painful to hear that the Doctor _knew_ how their girl would die...

_But when your day comes  
>And he's through with you<em>

_And he'll be through with you  
>You'll die together but alone<em>

Not for the first time, the Doctor thought about how unfair his and River's... whatever word best described them... was to both of them. And to everyone around them... Could it have altered for the better... if I'd been willing to hear alternatives...?

Coming to stand with her back to her family, Donna faced the Doctor with her arms folded in front of her. "You're a bigger bloke than I'd thought... You don't know how to ask for help, you try to act without hearing input... Even _after_ you realized that you'd made mistakes with past companions. How many things should you have told me that you couldn't bring yourself to admit to? How much sifting through your memories will I have to do to figure out what the bloody hell you were – or weren't – thinking?"

Jack, Martha, and Mickey exchanged a brief, worried look. They knew that their friend had been repenting his mistakes... and still was... But the damage had been done...

_You wrote me in a letter  
>You couldn't say it right to my face<br>Well give me that Sunday school answer  
>Repent yourself away<em>

Donna knew she'd start shaking if she didn't end this quickly. "Well, guess what? You wrote me out of your life when you chose those actions. I can see enough of the time-lines to know that we'll never travel together again. So all you'll have will be those haunting memories and your guilty conscience."

The Doctor sucked his breath sharply when Donna turned to John. He could faintly hear her call to him through a link... Between just them! John would see her daily... whereas he was out in the cold... With a spaceship that hadn't let go of what he'd done to her favorite of his companions...

_Does it hurt  
>To know I'll never be there?<br>__Bet it sucks  
>To see my face everywhere<em>

John looked at Wilf and Sylvia. "Please take those inside," he said softly. He knew only the companions he knew could overhear, which was how it should be. "Donna and I will be back later; I need to help her cool off. But you won't mind us being around for the near future...?"

Sylvia understood; she hadn't been able to stay at her home after Geoffrey died. Made sense that Donna wouldn't be able to be in the home she'd shared with Shaun. Especially given everything... She just nodded, as did Wilf.

Then John hurried over to Donna's side. The way she reached for his hand without needing to see it, and grasped it, was a dagger to each of the Doctor's hearts. It re-enforced his fault in the whole matter... And proved that Donna already belonged to someone else...

_It was you  
>Who chose to end it like you did<br>I was the last to know_

She drew John closer, letting the Doctor know wordlessly that she was part of a matched set. That she had been from the moment John had been created. (Not that she'd known it at that moment...) "I hope you can figure out a way out of this... quagmire you've created for yourself, Doctor. Because you got yourself into it." With that, she walked toward where today's nightmare had begun – and would've dragged John with her if he hadn't started walking immediately.

_You knew  
>Exactly what you would do<br>And don't say  
>You simply lost your way<em>

The Doctor started at the sudden movement, and it drew his feet into motion. As clear as Donna's being out of his reach was, he couldn't let her go like this! He _needed_ her to believe him!

Except his voice, as the military would say, had gone AWOL...

_They may believe you  
>But I never will<br>Never again_

John had to fight to keep tension from building as they approached the sheet covering Shaun Temple. He knew that Donna needed to see him one last time... to say goodbye in her own way before they had the public services. The Time Lord in him grasped the necessity of it, too...

When they reached the scene of the events of not too long ago, Donna let go of John's hand to kneel beside her fallen husband. She noted how kind his face had been, remembered how patient he'd been even when she'd kept him at arm's length... "You deserved so much better than I could ever have given you," she whispered as she touched his forehead, and gently stroked his hair. "Please be at peace now..." And she re-covered his face, staying still for a long moment.

The Doctor stopped when she did, and it hurt to see how much she was hurting. Hurting for letting a life get caught in her mess, for not trusting herself... The darkest part of him knew why she wasn't keen to be around him... and it was so hard to not listen to...

_Never again will I hear you  
>Never again will I miss you<br>Never again will I fall to you  
>Never<em>

When John's human side felt that enough time had passed, and when he sensed that the Time Lord's patience was about to run out again (big surprise, a part of him that was both the Doctor and Donna snorted), he knelt slightly to touch Donna's shoulders. _We'd better go_, he told her.

Donna nodded, and slowly stood. To one of the investigators, she asked, "Where are the keys to my car?" One of them, she didn't quite see which one, produced them – in an evidence bag. John did her the kindness of ripping the bag open and handing them over. She was glad that he wasn't arguing with her need to be in control for the moment. "Thank you," she said to all of them. "I'll be making the arrangements," she added in a whisper as she grabbed John's hand again and walked away with as much dignity as she could muster. _So glad I have you_, she thought to John, who followed without complaint.

The Doctor could hear it, and that made the daggers he felt earlier twist and maneuver. His hands trembled wildly as he could feel the strength of the pair bond that had already been established. No doubt by whatever happened to save them both...

_Never again will I kiss you  
>Never again will I want to<br>Never again will I love you  
>Never<em>

The Doctor could see himself stuck right back where he was in the last months as his Tenth self. Filled to the brim with pain... Cringing every time he saw a ginger, or thought he'd had a glimpse of Donna's face through something in the TARDIS reminding him of those precious times...

_Does it hurt  
>To know I'll never be there?<br>Bet it sucks  
>To see my face everywhere<em>

Donna went around to where she had been helped out earlier, forcing those memories to the back of her mind. She would let more tears out when she and John were safely alone in... her flat. She didn't let herself think about what she'd do with it. She focused on opening the door so John could get in.

And he wasn't about to argue. Even if this brought back unpleasant memories of the Sontaran invasion. He would do whatever Donna needed of him, regardless of what she might think she needed, but it wasn't yet time to challenge her. Here they needed to show a united front. If driving helped restore her sense of being in charge of her life, then he'd accept being along for the ride. And remember to breathe.

The Doctor found his voice and his ability to move again when John closed the passenger door – lifting himself to adjust the seat to accommodate his legs – and Donna opened the driver's door. He couldn't let what she'd said be the last words between them! "Donna!"

_It was you  
>Who chose to end it like you did<br>I was the last to know_

She sighed at the sound. Putting one hand on a hip, she leaned against the frame and froze him with her own death glare. He should certainly remember it well enough from whenever I called him on talking bullocks at inopportune times! "When John and I come back here tonight," she said, keeping every word measured and controlled, "I expect _you_ to be gone. We need time to heal."

_You knew  
>Exactly what you would do<br>And don't say  
>You simply lost your way<em>

The Doctor heard a wish to never see him again. That she'd never believe his words again. His hearts cried that she was just rightfully angry and would eventually forgive him.

It was hard to listen to that tiny voice as Donna got in and closed the door. And didn't look at him as she started the car.

_They may believe you  
>But I never will<em>

And still didn't look at him as UNIT soldiers moved out of her way, and others adjusted the cones keeping traffic off the street. The Doctor watched in shock as Donna slowly drove away...

_I never will_

Neither Donna nor John looked back. They could feel the Time Lord's pain, but knew they could do nothing to help him. Not _yet_... Still, he put a hand over her knee for the physical comfort. Who was more comforted, neither could say...

_I never will_

The Doctor's feet had him following the car in a daze for several seconds. Until Donna passed the last cones and picked up a bit of speed. And he could only watch as she left his life... for good...

_Never again_

When he slowly turned around to face the others, he didn't notice how every UNIT member was absolutely bewildered. He didn't see Sylvia and Wilf's guarded expressions. He didn't see the pity and empathy in his former companions' faces. He only saw the horror in Amy and Rory's faces. He'd always known that Rory had a more realistic view of him, but Amy... The blinders were gone. She no longer saw him as her raggedy Doctor. But for the foolish, short-sighted creature he truly was...


	5. Cry

**Author's Note**: Two songs this time. First one is a Judy Garland song I first heard watching a figure skating exhibition show in 1995. (Yikes, that seems like a lifetime ago...!) I thought it suited Eleven's mood here... and it's actually part of the story! Though I'm only quoting a bit of it, namely the most relevant lines...

This turned out to have more angst than I'd expected... But it had to be that way in the end. Please read all the way to the end; the Doctor gets redemption... Donna wouldn't let me do anything else...

Warning: character death within... And now enjoy a fic with what I consider to be the best angsty Doctor song – regardless of the incarnation – when he's thinking about a companion whose departure he regrets...

* * *

><p>PART 5: CRY<p>

Amy and Rory had left. The Doctor knew it was coming ever since Donna had shone a light into his soul and showed him all the things he'd really been running from. What he hadn't realized until it was far too late, until he'd hurt the very person who meant everything to him. Who could've _been_ everything to him if he'd just stopped to think... To ask for help...

And he wasn't surprised. The Ponds' eldest child had been ripped from them in an attempt to create a weapon against him. At least the enemies had underestimated Melody Pond Williams, who eventually became River Song... No wonder they wanted to leave to raise a family that wouldn't be in danger from their parents traveling with him...

As for River herself... He had mixed feelings. He'd once looked upon her liking of weapons with a bi of admiration... until he got an unintentional yet pointed reminder of the Time War. Of how especially his last self had hated guns and sought alternatives at every chance. And that was before he'd discovered how ruthless the woman could be in seeking what she wanted.

He couldn't help but compare River's quest to find him with Donna's, but it was a hollow comparison. Donna sought him out because she knew she'd made a mistake out of fear. She'd wanted to recover the wonder she'd felt, and to make a difference in the life of someone who needed someone... River, on the other hand, had apparently gone into archeology for the sole purpose of finding him again, and learnt all sorts of behaviors that – when he allowed himself to think about them – he couldn't approve of. He might've stolen the TARDIS – although the Old Girl had argued with him on who stole who – but River was in many ways only a _few_ steps above a criminal... No wonder the Old Girl had always been uneasy about her, only teaching her things because she knew that she _had_ to in order to preserve history...

The Doctor sighed over the Console as he saw just how trapped his life was to River's. Sure, he'd become a bit fond of her, as he had of everyone he'd ever considered a companion, but... If there were one companion that he wondered if his life would be better without... Especially because without hearing his name whispered by River in the Library, he just might have fought harder to keep Donna by his side... and not been so fatalistic on that day that ruined all of his Tenth self's dreams...

Well, he reluctantly admitted to himself, when he ruined all of his dreams by being too short-sighted... Rassilon, it hurt to admit that he was such a fool!

After Amy and Rory left, he'd stumbled through an adventure on his own. Well, it started on his own. River showed up, much to his chagrin. He'd tried during their adventures since Donna's recovery to put a little distance between them, but it was like River countered his every move. Really disconcerting, and disturbing... And so he was trapped... and had to carry out the actions that would enable the events at the Library one day...

At least she had no clue how much his hearts were breaking over the whole thing. He'd heard Donna's comments about exes all too well...

At the end of the last one, he'd been walking back when he overheard a song from mid-Twentieth Century Earth. Some American singer – Judy something-or-other, and it reminded him about tornadoes and red slippers and yellow brick roads – was going on with something aimed at a man who'd left. About how he'd feel "blue," "sad," bad," and miss the "dearest," "bestest pal you've ever had."

It stung, but he couldn't stop himself from standing around to listen in. Even though it was yet one more reminder of what he'd lost through his own stupidity. Now that voice that hammered on him over his failures sounded like Donna, which was strangely...comforting... in a twisted way. Sometimes it was better to hear that than to not hear her in any way... He let himself drown mentally in the good memories of her... until the last lines of the song blasted from the speakers:

_I'm gonna haunt you so, I'm gonna taunt you so  
>It's gonna drive you to ruin<br>After you've gone, after you've gone away_

He'd had to flee into the TARDIS then. It was too apt a description of what happened to his last self. And what was happening to him now... How had his hearts made him so dependent on another that he functioned far worse on his own than he ever had before...?

He took small comfort in successfully hiding one fact from River: he was dying again. This time it was poison and would take longer than any of his past deaths to lead into regeneration. Which meant that he could conceal it to do whatever he had left to in this body. "No more spoilers," he said aloud to the universe. "_Please_, don't make me go through anything like that again..."

A nudge from the TARDIS drew him out of his thoughts and to the destination reader. The Old Girl had already put in a location, which he didn't recognize. "Where is that?"

_River Song lives there. It's time to go to Darillium, Doctor..._

Memories from the Library fluttered to mind, and he found a strange relief in the news...

* * *

><p>It was over... He'd given River his Sonic. She'd be soon off to the Library, and would set off the chain of events. Or close it off. However one wanted to look at it. He was proud of himself for not letting her know that his tears were not over her, but over her getting to see Donna before things went pear-shaped in his life. Over the wish for the purer joy that Donna would've had in seeing the Towers, hearing the sounds... Over the missed chances they'd had... Over all the things he'd wished he could've done for her, the places he'd wanted to take her to...<p>

And River knew a little about Donna, from one ugly time aboard the TARDIS. But he tried his darnedest to keep it to the bare minimum: that she was the Most Important Woman in all of Creation, had been his best friend, and his heart broke over how they'd parted. At least River couldn't accuse him of lying, which she often did. With cause.

He was past wanting to think about it, and ready to die. Except he could tell that he had some time left before the energy built to the point of no return. So he had to wait...

Another nudge from the TARDIS. "Oh, where now, Old Girl...?" His whine didn't last when the ship seized control and sent them off somewhere. Holding on to the Console, he silently groaned over not having anything to even try to wrest control with.

The landing was much calmer than any of the forced ones the TARDIS had ever done. It was almost like he'd done it with help! Then his ship was so quiet, except for urging him to go outside. He looked at the new suit, the one he'd only grabbed because it was what he was supposed to do, and held up a hand. "Let me change..."

But the Old Girl opened the doors for him, telling him to not dally. Sighing, he slowly walked outside to face whatever the TARDIS had planned for him... and was shocked at the sight. "Cardiff? In..." He paused to detect the date and year. "December..." Over six years after he'd parted again from Donna. "What am I doing here? Is there going to be another Christmas disaster...?"

"Doctor...?"

He started over the sound of Wilf's voice. He saw the man standing in the frame of a door leading into one of the houses on the street that – he now noticed – he'd landed on. The old man was leaning on a cane, and definitely looked every bit his years, but there was no anger in his eyes. No censure, no judgment... It was an all right substitution for Donna in a pinch...

Wilf didn't like how pale the alien looked, or how haunted he clearly was. And he didn't like to not help a friend. He beckoned him over. "Come on in, lad. You look like you could do with nice cupppa."

The Doctor found the compassion overwhelming, and his hearts craved it. So he silently followed Wild's orders, trudging through the snow. As he did, he had the faint sense that... Oh, Rassilon! Donna and John were somewhere nearby... His hearts clenched as his senses picked up the two... and then he also felt baffled when he realized that not only could he detect them like he could the other Time Lords, there were also what seemed like _additional_ Time Lords around...

Those senses filled his head in places that had been empty since the Time War...

He stumbled into the house, and Wilf shut the door before he could ask, "What are you doing here?"

Wilf shrugged. "Donna and John moved here almost six years ago. Something about it was easier to grow their baby spaceship near the Rift. Seems he had something of your ship in that Manipulator thing he used."

Of course... He'd sensed that the Old Girl had produced an offspring, but then couldn't understand where it went off to. He realized that John must have pocketed it before walking out to Bad Wolf Bay... and was glad that he had. "How are you, Wilf?" He wasn't ready to deal with the questions he really wanted answers to... yet...

Wilf hadn't understood a lot about the Doctor, even with the interest in people that he and Donna shared, but he could tell when someone was deflecting. Still, he allowed the Doctor the moment as he poured some tea. "Closer every day to meeting my maker, but I've accepted it. The family will be all right when it happens. My daughter's got a focus in life, my granddaughter's thriving, and so is her husband."

The Doctor really shouldn't have been surprised, but the word cut him deeply. Especially when he looked out the windows into the back garden and saw Donna standing at an angle to him, laughing over something going on. "When...?" The word was whispered as his eyes noted the obvious – but not extreme – baby bump under her thick coat – with the hood lowered, showing her vibrant hair...

Wilf would've smiled under any other circumstance, but the Doctor's history with Donna forced him to hold it in as he handed the alien some tea. "Ironically, Christmas Eve six years ago."

That left the Doctor completely stricken. The anniversary of the day I met her...!

"Just before they moved here," Wilf continued. "They were living together under our roof until then. She's not in touch with much of Shaun's family; despite her looking out for them, a lot of his folks didn't like John's presence in her life. They made the mistake of making her choose, and there wasn't a choice for her. She hated having to be out of their lives; she likes them."

The Doctor flinched. Yet another family relationship he'd hurt... "Is she happy...?" He knew it was a daft question, but it was so much more important to him – although he couldn't admit it to anyone – than whether Joan Redfern had been so...

Wilf smiled sadly at the transfixed Doctor. "Deeply," was all he said.

The Doctor looked on in agony. He was still stuck, but she had moved on... 

_If anyone asks,  
>I'll tell them we both just moved on<em>

And the pain in his hearts got stronger as he saw out of the corner of his eye a picture over the fireplace. It was John – wearing what looked like the "jinxed" suit, which thereby proved that it was just the Doctor having bad timing in choosing when to wear the suit – and Donna – wearing a modest, deep purple dress – standing in front of her old church in a loose embrace. With eyes only for each other. (An outsider might think that she wasn't as happy as she'd looked at either of her previous weddings because of the gravity in her expression, but the Doctor could see in her eyes a peace and confidence in _knowing_ that she was happy.) The golden frame had their names and the date on it, and a phrase that was truer than the maker could've known: "Two halves of a whole."

"It was a lovely day," Wilf remembered. "All sorts of people whose lives you touched came to show their support for them. I think Jack took that picture. He said it beautifully captured their bond as best as the rest of us could see it."

The Doctor was glad that no one could watch his expressions. Not that he would've let them know he could hear them... Because he could imagine quite a few of the intricacies of the bond unique to them... Yet one more thing he'd missed out on...

_When people all stare  
>I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk<em>

Wilf grabbed another frame, and its contents captured the Doctor's eyes. It was one of those with multiple picture slots – five in this case. In the center was a summertime picture of Donna and John surrounded by Sylvia, Wilf, and... six young children. Even as he stared in shock, the Doctor found himself struck by a new feeling: being instantly in love with people he'd never met...

"The two oldest," Wilf noted as he tapped beside the faces of a boy and a girl – both gingers, the Doctor noted with some pleasure – who looked about five Earth years old, "are Geoffrey Ian and Susan Elizabeth. That's them newly born," he added, tapping next to the picture on the upper left corner. Donna was lying on a nondescript hospital bed, with John's arms wrapped tightly around her and the twins she held. Their faces shared a beaming sense of "look what we did," but the Doctor could see hints of remembering the Library Computer world in the way their hands touched the twins...

And never mind that he knew exactly who they were named after: Donna's father and three different companions... It was so bittersweet...

Wilf continued, choosing to not notice the Doctor's torn emotions playing over his face, bringing attention to a brown-haired boy who looked around three or four in the main picture, "That's James Steven, Jamie to the family. Born fifteen months after the twins. Should've been a warning to them of how much they got distracted with raising the others and helping reform Torchwood that they might become forgetful of... certain protections... but I guess they decided they wanted a large family. Not like they can't afford it..."

Both good and painful memories at those names... And it touched his hearts... And the upper right picture was evidently him as a baby at what looked like the same birthing room. John was holding him, with Donna looking on indulgently.

Next Wilf pointed to another pair: blond and brunette – respectively – girls looking between three and two years. "Victoria 'Vicky' Jo and Sarah Jane Leila. Little SJ's namesake never got to meet her; she died of a cancer that metastasized because of Miracle Day, but she lingered long enough to see Donna again."

The Doctor sucked in a sharp breath. Good old Sarah Jane Smith...! "What happened to Luke?"

Wilf smiled sadly, and motioned to the outside. "Well-looked after. We've all been helping him out. He's on break from university, but he spends a lot of time working for UNIT. An elderly retired general who said he knew you has been his mentor. He and I have tea every so often. Why can't I remember his name...?"

Sir Alistair... He felt a tiny bit of relief knowing that the Brig was well, and still helping support the good fight. He thought of the five women who were honored by these twins names, and they were good memories all in all... And their hospital picture on the lower right showed Donna and John thankfully untainted by the haunting memories that were apparent in their firstborns' picture.

"Anyway..." Wilf shook off his memory lapse and tapped by the youngest's face. "Zoe Grace. 11 months last week. Sweetest temper of the whole bunch, despite being a ginger. Donna and John have wondered if something went wrong in the womb because she's so quiet and contemplative."

The Doctor could see a lot of wisdom in her young eyes, and noted how much she looked like a wise woman even in the first picture, shown on the lower left. She might become a Visionary... "Six children under age six... And they've... rebuilt Torchwood and been growing a TARDIS...?" His respect for Donna had increased exponentially.

Wilf quirked a grin. "Oh, they've needed our help, and their friends have pitched in. Even though they've been raising their own families."

It was then that the Doctor noticed that there were quite a few children playing in the snow. He realized he could also see Martha, Mickey, Jack, Sylvia, Gwen, and a man he didn't recognize helping John direct some snow construction. Luke and someone else he didn't recognize – a female whose back was facing him and was wearing a hooded coat – where also helping. Donna called out ideas from her place off to the side, like a general directing her troops.

He was so proud of her... Even though he felt he had to swallow so much – just to not blurt out something he'd rather keep quiet...

_Whenever I see you,  
>I'll swallow my pride<br>and bite my tongue_

Then a thought hit. "Wait! I remember someone said that Donna and Shaun tried to have children, but she couldn't get pregnant. I don't understand it. I _knew_ someone who had a child with one of my people. Even if Donna had some of my last self's DNA, she should've still been able to have children. In fact, the Time Lord DNA should've helped her!"

"Martha had a hypothesis about that," Wilf noted quietly, remembering the sad talk that the young doctor had with them before Shaun's death. "She speculated that Donna's DNA was rewired by the Time Lord DNA – because of the nature of the Meta-Crisis – in such a way that she'd become only compatible with one person. Well," he amended softly, "I guess... two people, I should say..."

The Doctor's eyes widened. "John... and my last self..." He didn't dare wonder about himself... He tried to hide his reaction, act like the universe couldn't touch him.

_Pretend I'm okay with it all_

Then he noticed John – who probably had gotten a good-natured ribbing from Donna earlier over just wearing the coat that the Doctor himself used to wear as protection against the cold – look at Donna, as if checking on her. The Doctor could make out the gist of the mental talk, and his eyebrows popped up. "She's carrying triplets?" She doesn't look far along!

"About three months in." Wilf laughed heartily. "I keep wondering if those will be their last. But Martha said that their bodies aren't really aging. And since there aren't any other Time Lords around... I guess they feel a need to populate the universe a bit... Mind," Wilf added wryly, "she did slap his arm when they detected three this time. Although he couldn't stop smiling – even as he held up his hands to placate her."

Another thing he could've been part of... If not for his own faults... "Good for them," he managed.

_Act like there's nothing wrong_

He looked outside and saw the unknown female letting Geoff and Susan chase her a little and then tackle her. As she fell back playfully, her hood dropped, revealing a blond head of hair. And when she was on her back, the Doctor could see her face – and gasped. He choked on the next word: "Jenny...?" How can this be...?

Wilf sighed. Not surprised he's this shocked, given what Donna said... "Apparently, she somehow revived after you left. She left and traveled on her own, but soon realized that she needed guidance to be able to help others. Took her a while to find a way back to Earth, seeking out us first. She landed – with some hostiles following her – a little over five years ago. She decided to stay, and is called a niece to anyone who asks. Though she calls Donna 'Mum' and John 'Pops.'"

The Doctor nearly collapsed against the wall, almost dropping the tea cup. He remembered Donna and Martha had tried to talk him into sticking around to help bury Jenny, but he couldn't bear to stay and keep seeing his loss with his eyes... So I could've had a family again if I'd listened to them...? It was almost as painful as the moment he realized that the Meta-Crisis would overwhelm Donna's mind...

How much more did the Universe think he could take...?

_Is it over yet?_

Wilf looked hard at his friend, and grabbed him by the arms. "Right, lad, you need to sit right now," he ordered, dragging him over to a seat facing away from the windows. Poor man... Faced once again with his mistakes... but what brought him here after all this time...?

The Doctor was barely aware of sitting, or of the tea being brought to his lips. Or of being coaxed into drinking it. Or of how different Donna's favorite tea tasted to this self's taste-buds. All he could think about were the time-lines that he suddenly realized _had_ been possible... and how he'd been blind to them because he was living in the moment... Seems Time Lords couldn't see every possibility after all...

_Can I open my eyes?_

After several long moments, the Doctor whispered to Wilf, "I can sense their children as though they're Time Lords. In fact, I can sense them all a bit more strongly than I could the last time. How is that possible?"

Wilf blinked, but he remembered that Donna always said that getting the truth out of the Doctor was sometimes like pulling teeth. He figured that this meant something very important. Sighing, he shrugged. "All I know is that they got some things that your ship wanted them to keep taking. Liquids and pills..."

A sense of confirmation from the TARDIS told him the Old Girl had tried to give the children an extra boost like the one Melody Pond Williams got... which had turned her into River Song... Not for the first time, he wondered whether Donna could have managed the Meta-Crisis without any trouble had she gotten pregnant aboard the TARDIS...

Yet one more regret...

_Is this as hard as it gets?_

Wilf watched the play of emotions across the alien's face. He'd seen shell-shocked soldiers dealing with reliving the horrors they'd endured. He knew what survivor's guilt looked like. He knew what it felt like to know you'd made a big mistake; if he hadn't been away that one day, maybe his wife would still be alive and not have died from her sudden illness... He could only imagine what was going through the Doctor's mind. It was plain as day that Donna meant the universe to him, and it had killed him to do what he'd thought was necessary. "Just so you know," he whispered, "I won't be offended if you need to let anything out."

But the Doctor was afraid. If he let one tear out now... This might be the time he couldn't stop... Until regeneration hit... Nothing had hurt so much since losing everything at his own hand the first time, over Gallifrey... Not even losing Donna to his own mistakes...

_Is this what it feels like to really cry...?  
>Cry...<em>

River had asked a few times about past companions, but he'd been careful what he said. Always speaking in general terms. But when she'd found that biodamper... Oh, he hadn't been able to avoid admitting that he'd once put that on the finger of the Most Important Woman in All of Creation. He now wondered if, by the time of the Library, River had figured out that he wished he could've meant something other than Donna's safety when he'd placed that ring... As it was, he'd had to shut her down when he realized she was trying to manipulate him into telling her more...

_If anyone asks,  
>I'll tell them we just grew apart <em>

I wonder, the Doctor suddenly thought, if Amy and Rory suspected anything... Actually, a lot of his companions – especially the more recent ones – had at least several moments of being extremely perceptive at reading him. Donna was simply the best at it. He'd done his sheer best to keep a lot to himself, convinced that no one else could possibly understand his demons in the slightest. And didn't bother to think about how convincing he was when he said he was fine.

_Yeah what do I care  
>If they believe me or not<em>

Wilf realized that the Doctor's sense of what was happening around him had dulled when he heard a door slide open. He looked behind them, and felt his heart sink for the Doctor. This could break him, he feared...

Why, the Doctor wondered, did the TARDIS think I had to come here...? To rub my mistakes in my face one last time? To remind me that you don't get to say goodbye in a way you want to? That I need to be more humble...?

"Dad...?"

Jenny! His head whipped toward her voice, and met her disbelieving eyes. She can tell it's me, he knew, but she doesn't seem prepared to actually _see_ the proof of regeneration. She looked just like she did when he remembered her being alive... Some sort of partial regeneration then... And then he saw Donna and John coming inside behind her... and sensed that they were holding their thoughts under a tight reign – keeping him locked out. Their expressions were so controlled that he couldn't read them.

He wasn't sure whether this was better than Donna snapping at him... like he was expecting... He swallowed, unable to move. "Hi, Jenny," he whispered. "Hello, Donna..." The memories were weighing him down, threatening to swallow him whole...

_Whenever I feel  
>Your memory is breaking my heart<em>

Donna pulled a hand out of her coat to touch Jenny's shoulder. The Time Lady had made considerable strides in growing up on her own, but she'd needed the emotional balm of a family; her hearts craved affection as much as her father's had – and John was just like them in that respect.

And the poor girl didn't know what to do now that she was faced with her father again. Jenny had been so mad at her father for what he'd done, but wouldn't _dare_ think about life without her siblings in it. So she'd had to take a lesson from Donna in compassion and letting go, in order to function. She also sensed something happening within him... something that was causing him physical pain – above the emotional pain she could feel flowing out in constant waves. Then she realized what was happening, and whispered, "You're dying..."

The Doctor tried to shrug it off. If I hug them, he feared, I might not let go in time... He shook his head. "I've got two more lives left. I'll be all right."

_I'll pretend I'm okay with it all  
>Act like there's nothing wrong<em>

"And that Time Lord code still hasn't changed," Donna said, voice filled with sadness over the pain she, too, could feel.

"Are you really surprised?" John's voice was a lot softer than he'd thought possible. He'd privately been sure that if the Doctor hadn't shown his face in the year after that fateful day, then they probably would never see him again. Though he'd felt how Donna wanted to know how her old friend was doing, and whether he had anyone to stop him. For the sake of the universe, and all those who were yet to encounter him, John hoped the Doctor had found someone who might be able to handle the role. But it didn't look like he had...

"Look," the Doctor said, forcing himself to stand, "the Old Girl brought me here. I guess... she wanted me to see you one last time..." Even though I'm not enough of a coward to end it without regenerating, I doubt I'll ever get to see any of them again...

_Is it over yet?  
>Can I open my eyes?<br>Is this as hard as it gets?  
>Is this what it feels like to really cry?<br>Cry _

He continued, trying to not meet anyone's eyes; he couldn't bear to see anything like pity or anger from these people who shared some of his brightest and darkest moments, "I mean, it's just the way of the Universe for me. I have friends traveling with me, but they all leave and I'm alone. It's just my lot in life. I can deal with it another two lives. None of you have to worry about me."

Although even as he talked, he knew that he was talking to a room full of people who wouldn't be fooled by his lies. Either because they'd heard lies enough times to discern their existence, or because they knew him all too well...

_I'm talking in circles  
>I'm lying, they know it<br>Why won't this just all go away...?_

Donna sighed, squeezing Jenny's shoulder and John's hand at the same time. And profoundly grateful that Gwen, Rhys, Luke, and her own Mum were keeping the kids outside for now. "I never said you couldn't come back, Spaceman. We just needed time to let go of the past enough to forgive you..."

The Doctor blinked rapidly. I couldn't have heard her correctly. "What?"

John shook his head sadly. "Yes, we were angry, but don't you remember that Donna felt sorry for Lance in the end? That she felt for the Empress' plight as a mother despite it all? Have you forgotten just how much compassion she has that you thought she'd never forgive you?"

The Doctor stared at him in shock, stunned at the total sincerity he saw. And how he couldn't see anything he'd feared in any of their eyes.

_Is it over yet?_

The thought that he'd spent all that time being hard on himself could've been avoided if he'd asked a few more questions, if he'd given into the need - one he'd been suppressing ruthlessly – to see Donna... It was too much, and he choked on his breath.

_Can I open my eyes?_

He couldn't speak. The room felt too crowned, and he felt claustrophobic for the first time in his long life. And the Doctor ran outside before a cry could escape his lips.

_Is this as hard as it gets?_

He rushed along toward the TARDIS, and snapped his fingers. But a sudden pain hit, making him stumble to the ground just in front of the open doors. The energy was building, feeding off his emotional pain. He didn't have much longer left... thank Rassilon... But he had to get inside... before the tears really started falling... Of shame, pain, and regret...

_Is this what it feels like to really cry?  
>Cry<br>__Cry..._

He didn't realize how little he detected of his surroundings until four hands suddenly grabbed him and carefully yanked him to his feet, guiding him inside the TARDIS. He was so dazed that he couldn't focus until he found himself plunked onto the Jump Seat. He finally looked up at his helpers, and froze. John and Jenny!

"Come on," he heard Donna shout, as running steps registered in his ears. He heard the doors close, and realized that Jack, Martha, and Mickey were also inside. "We need to get the Old Girl into the Vortex! It's the safest place for him to regenerate!" And he could hear the TARDIS instructing Donna, John, and Jenny in how to make that happen quickly – and then the trio calling out instructions to the others, who took up positions at the Console.

By the time the Doctor could pull himself up to stand, he knew they were in the Vortex. "I could've made it here myself," he whispered, feeling hoarse as the energy grew within.

Donna walked right up to him, well aware that she was making everyone else – especially the Doctor – nervous. But the TARDIS was telling her that she had enough time to do this. "You last regenerated alone, consumed by your regrets. I'm not letting that happen again. We are your family and friends, and we will see you through these next moments." She held up a hand against his mouth to stop any further words. "I let go of my anger within a few months, Spaceman. I forgive you," she finished on a whisper as she drew him in for a tight hug.

The Doctor froze stiff, afraid to return the hug for fear that if he let go, the regeneration energy would engulf Donna. And he didn't want to know what it would do to her pregnancy... His body trembled from the effort to hold in the tears and the urge to hug her...

_I won't let anything happen to her_, the TARDIS whispered. _You've got a little time yet, my Eleventh Doctor... I'll warn you both; I can tell when it's imminent..._

Not quite willing to believe, but desperately wanting one last comfort, the Doctor cautiously wrapped his arms around her and squeezed a little. His breaths became choking gasps as he struggled to hold himself in check. And yet with each gasp, he felt a bit of tension melt out of him.

And Donna didn't let go. Her poor Spaceman needed this release, to end this incarnation's existence with fewer regrets than the one she'd known...

He couldn't believe that, after all the crap he put Donna and John through, they were willing to stand by and see him through this regeneration... Nothing, he knew as he felt the energy building toward the point where nothing could delay it, could prove that he'd been forgiven more than this. Oh, he knew that they'd never forget, but this act of mercy was more than he'd dared hope for...

And he got to go gazing upon Donna Noble's face. He couldn't think of a better end... given all of his screw-ups...

When she felt his body spasm, Donna pulled back – and he let go, staggering back a little. She stepped backward toward the others, adding as the energy made him start to glow, "It'll be okay." It was the best, truest promise she could make. For he would be so under her care.

The Doctor broke eye contact with Donna to check on the others. Martha and Mickey were clutching each other, eyes fixed on him and trying to give reassuring smiles. They were scared, he could tell, because they've never seen this before... Jack was worried, but his attempt was closer to a real smile. The Immortal's eyes looked like he'd seen another thousand years since that bar... Jenny was clutching John's side, looking every bit like a terrified little girl. Even as Donna grasped one of her hands, letting John clasp her to him. The Doctor could feel John and Donna's minds trying to reassure Jenny, but he knew that his youngest could feel the pain coming off him.

He hoped that Donna and John could manage what he couldn't. To not only comfort her now, but to continue to raise her to be his successor. She would probably inherit the Old Girl upon – and this day was looming closer – his final self's death... Must set a new emergency protocol, he decided as his eyes turned from his twin – whose eyes showed that he, too, had let go of the anger – to Donna. To help the Old Girl return to them when I'm about to regenerate again, and when I'm dying for the last time...

That was his final thought as he looked into those all-too-knowing eyes that he... loved... And the energy overcame him...

No one could watch; it was too bright. Donna and Jenny buried their faces against John's side, he closed his eyes tightly, and the others each held up a hand to shield their eyes... Donna and John felt the Doctor's pain within themselves, but this time they weren't in any danger...

When the light faded, they all looked upon the Twelfth Doctor... and took in the new person before them. Each cataloging the differences...

The Doctor's eyes found Donna's quickly. He saw the relatively calm acceptance that he'd changed again. He could sense that only John and Jack also felt that way; the others were having varying degrees of trouble coming to grips with the change. Swallowing as he cataloged what he could tell was different, he braced to hear his new voice as he asked Donna an all-important question:

"How stupid do I look now?"

Donna laughed, choking on her tears. She couldn't help it; it was somehow such a Spaceman thing to say. She pulled away from John and Jenny to give the Space Dunce another hug. She wasn't surprised by how eager he was to accept it this time, now that the danger was gone.

This time, she could sense Jenny come over to join her, and felt when the Doctor released one arm to pull his daughter in close. She wasn't surprised to hear each crying...

The Doctor didn't know anything about what this self was like. Only that he was different from the eleven others he had been. But for the first time in his life, it didn't matter. What mattered was that he had very good friends looking for him, who forgave him for being an idiot. Friends who came over to touch his arms and back in support...

Best of all, he had his Jenny back, and he had been granted absolution by the Most Important Woman in All of Creation... The one person he'd wronged in the worst way... For the first time in many years, he could believe that things might be well enough in his life. He could make this _be_ enough...

THE END


End file.
